No family is perfect. A critical component to our emotional health, personal growth, and spiritual maturity is identifying the unhealthy habits of our families of origin. To grow past dysfunctional family patterns, we must take an honest assessment of our childhood years and even our present-day family dynamics. This assessment is the difference between being stuck in dysfunctional patterns and breaking free to develop healthy patterns. 

When we don’t identify the toxic behaviors our family calls normal, we are doomed to repeat those same behaviors at the expense of those we love. Furthermore, the anxiety, depression, guilt, shame, and anger we live with daily continues to feed on the ongoing dysfunction. 

Change starts with honesty and growth is the key to freedom. 

Dysfunctional Family Traits

Were any of these behaviors considered normal in your family? 

Forgiving and/or forgetting without changed behavior.

Forgiving and forgetting without changed behavior is what toxic behavioral patterns are made from. These patterns and the destruction that they cause will continue until someone says no more. As Christians we are commanded to forgive those who hurt us. God requires this of us not to make our lives hard, but to make our lives better. 

Forgiveness sets us free. It doesn’t let the other person off the hook. Galatians 6:7 says, Don’t be misled: No one makes a fool of God. What a person plants, he will harvest. The person who plants selfishness, ignoring the needs of others—ignoring God!—harvests a crop of weeds. All he’ll have to show for his life is weeds!

And while it would be great if we could just forget the painful things that have happened to us, memory serves a purpose. We remember so that we learn the lessons that will help us to grow spiritually and personally. Memory is what keeps us from falling into the same pits repeatedly.

What is typical of dysfunctional families is the expectation of forgiving and forgetting without any acknowledgement or commitment to changing hurtful patterns of behavior. Without this acknowledgement and a plan of action to change, the apology is meaningless, and trust continues to erode. Put bluntly, an apology without changed behavior is nothing more than manipulation. Consistent, changed behavior is what rebuilds trust and connection. Without it, the relationship is toxic and destructive. 

Moving on like nothing happened.

When a painful or traumatic event has happened, dysfunctional families tend to act like nothing happened. The night before may have consisted of screaming, name calling, or physical abuse, but the unspoken expectation is that everyone gets up the next morning and acts like nothing happened. Kids get ready for school. Mom and dad get ready for work. Breakfast is eaten. And everyone ignores the elephant in the room from the night before. Over the course of hours, days, or weeks, the dysfunctional “normal” is restored until the next incident. 

Dysfunctional Family

Moving on like nothing happened is emotional neglect and crazy-making at its finest. It leaves the wounded parties wondering what just happened and questioning what they experienced and themselves. And because no one talks about it, it gets stuffed where it creates mental, emotional, and physical havoc. Anxiety, depression, people-pleasing, conflict avoidance, perfectionism, codependency, repressed anger, etc. all have roots in this type of dysfunction.   

Refusing to talk about what happened.

Many dysfunctional families avoid talking about painful events to circumvent accountability or admit the need for help. Pride and selfishness are at the heart of this refusal. Stonewalling those who are trying to have a conversation about what happened and how it hurt/affected them ensures the dysfunction will continue. Importantly, those that stonewall, are attempting to avoid potential conflict and acknowledge their part in the conflict. 

Handling conflict by stonewalling is emotional immaturity and it keeps people trapped in abusive or dysfunctional cycles. More importantly, nothing good is gained by refusing to talk about what happened and when this is modeled to children, it becomes their “normal.” As they move into adulthood, this habit hurts them and those around them as they handle conflict like their family did when they were young. 

Invalidating emotions and experiences of others.

Invalidating someone’s emotions or their experience is when one person attempts to dismiss or minimize another person’s emotions. Telling someone “it wasn’t that bad” or “quit your crying” or “I don’t know what you are so upset about” or “that wasn’t a big deal” – these are examples of telling someone that their emotions are somehow wrong. It’s gaslighting. 

Dysfunctional families use this tactic to avoid accountability and squash a conversation that they don’t want to have. After a while, self-doubt sets in causing the hurt person to question everything they think and feel because they are often told they are wrong. These people become numb emotionally, anxious over-thinkers, or validation seekers because they’ve been groomed to not trust themselves. 

Covering up problems for one another.

Within every dysfunctional family, is an enabler – someone who makes excuses for another person’s poor behavior and will typically over-function in that person’s life to keep the peace or hold the family together. The enabler has good intentions and often thinks they are helping the addict, abuser, or person causing the chaos, but what they are really doing is ensuring the dysfunction continues to the detriment of the family. 

Enablers are often people-pleasers and conflict avoiders who struggle with understanding personal and other responsibility. As a result, they spend copious amounts of energy trying to help others in the hope that the chaos and dysfunction will stop. The problem with covering up problems is that all this does is “kick the same old can down the curb” over and over again in life. Destructive patterns keep going and nothing changes when the enabling continues. 

Denying that problems exist.

Most destructive families struggle with admitting there are problems. If you’ve watched the movie Fight Clubwith Brad Pitt, you know the first rule of Fight Club is don’t talk about Fight Club. This is the same mantra for dysfunctional families. The person or persons who are creating the chaos deny the chaos exists and expect you to act like the chaos doesn’t exist. Not bringing it up is the unspoken expectation. 

For those around them, this is often maddening because a problem undefined is a problem unsolved. Acting like a problem isn’t there is denying the reality of those living in that problem every day. This breeds resentment and is a habit that gets passed down from generation to generation until someone says enough and speaks the uncomfortable truth. 

Keeping secrets that should be shared.

Dysfunctional families often have a treasure trove of secrets. Secrets like denying problems exist, enabling bad behavior, refusing to talk about incidents, and moving on like nothing happened.What happens at home, stays at home is the unspoken rule. The person or persons creating the chaos in families often act one way in public and another way in private. The people around them are expected to keep this secret from extended family, friends, or coworkers. 

Abuse, addiction, untreated mental health problems, infidelity, etc. are secrets to not be shared. The image of the family is to be maintained. The chaos creators are often very concerned with how people outside the family see them. The saying – you are only as sick as your secrets holds true. Consequently, keeping secrets bottled up is at the heart of addiction, anxiety, depression, and other disorders – not to mention what keeps generational dysfunction moving from one generation to the next. 

Faking fine.

Faking fine is a faulty coping mechanism used by those who tend to stuff their emotions and feelings and have had their thoughts or feelings dismissed or marginalized. At the heart of faking fine is fear. Fear of feeling feelings, being judged, being seen as “less than”, as well as, fear of conflict, “rocking the boat”, or emotional discomfort. 

Dysfunctional Family

Dysfunctional families tend to “fake fine” to avoid anger or conflict. People-pleasers and codependents often fake fine for these reasons as a means of trying to shield themselves (and their children if applicable) from emotional pain or further wounding. 

Repressing emotions.

Because dysfunctional families don’t talk about the elephant in the room, family members are often left with no other choice but to stuff their emotions. The problem with emotions is that they don’t just go away on their own. They pile up in the corner like rotting trash stinking up the entire room waiting to be taken out. In this case, the room is our mind and heart. Stuffed emotions eventually come out through physical sickness, mental health problems, and/or through anger taken out on undeserving people. Sarcasm and passive-aggressive behaviors are examples of stuffed emotions gone rogue. 

Being around unsafe people.

While not an exhaustive list, unsafe people are those who:

  • won’t take responsibility for their actions/words
  • chronically break promises
  • use shared thoughts and feelings against others
  • expect others to tip-toe around their issues
  • are emotionally unstable
  • use fear or guilt to control or manipulate
  • are untrustworthy or unreliable
  • demand trust/respect from others without earning it
  • chronically violate boundaries
  • don’t want to work on their issues

Dysfunctional families consist of unsafe people and when unsafe people are the “norm” – those who have grown up in a dysfunctional family or been marinated in one for years will subconsciously seek out unsafe people to do life with because that is their normal. Worse yet, is when people never figure out that they are unsafe, and they wound others. Healing the parts of ourselves that are drawn to unsafe people changes our lives and brings safe people into our world. 

Aggression to get what you want.

An element of control is at the heart of dysfunctional families. Aggression in the form of anger, shame, or guilt is used to get what is wanted. And “what is wanted” varies.

Some examples are:

  • total obedience
  • not being questioned
  • ignoring harmful patterns of behavior
  • avoiding physical/mental health issues
  • frequent reassurance of love or allegiance
  • unrealistic amounts of time
  • frequent validation 

Using guilt or shame to get what a person wants often comes in the form of statements like “after all I’ve done for you”, “if you loved me, you’d…”, “good sons/daughters call their mothers”, etc. Statements that create a sense of obligation are used to control the actions of another person. And when family members comply when these statements are used, the dysfunction continues, resentment builds, and love erodes. Boundaries are what stops this destructive pattern, alleviates resentment, and allows love to begin growing again (if possible). 

What now to break free from the dysfunctional family traits?

Finding your way out of these destructive patterns may be difficult and you may encounter resistance from your family. Not everyone wants to grow, and some people are content in their dysfunction convinced it’s working for them. Once you’ve identified patterns that are hurting you and that you don’t want to continue, you need to start making different choices and setting boundaries. 

Those might look like this:

  • Confronting conflict rather than ignoring or avoiding it 
  • Talking with a trusted friend, life coach, or therapist instead of stuffing emotions
  • Making the difficult decision on how much access unhealthy people get to you
  • Limiting topics of discussion to preserve your emotional health 
  • Walking away from manipulation
  • Confronting bad behavior rather than enabling it
  • Breaking the habit of taking responsibility for other people’s emotions
  • Learning to be okay with people being unhappy with your decisions
  • Not engaging in drama or conflict that isn’t your business
  • Using your voice and standing up for yourself
  • Not managing other people’s emotions through people-pleasing
  • Recognizing that the only control you have is over yourself

If you are ready to confront the pain of your past and the dysfunction of your family, Unravel can help.