In my last blog post Unraveling Normal: Exposing the Dysfunctional Family, I identified the behaviors that dysfunctional families tend to view as normal. Today, I want to continue shining a light on the traits of the dysfunctional family by looking at the common themes surrounding communication amongst family members in dysfunctional families.
Communication will make or break any relationship – friendship, marriage, parent/child, sibling, coworker, etc. When people communicate well, relationships tend to thrive and grow. These relationships are often described as fulfilling and life-giving. On the other hand, when people communicate poorly, relationships shrivel and are described as exhausting, empty, and draining.
Emotional Immaturity + Poor Communication Skills = Abuse
The chaos makers in dysfunctional families tend to lack emotional maturity and have poor communication skills. Emotional immaturity is an inability to handle one’s emotions using self-control leading to outbursts, fits of anger, or some other inappropriate response to a situation. Losing control of emotions and lacking good communication skills is a combination that often leads to verbal and emotional abuse.
The book of Proverbs talks a lot about the importance of communication and the consequences of poor communication:
Words kill, words give life; they’re either poison or fruit—you choose. – Proverbs 18:21 MSG
Answering before listening is both stupid and rude. – Proverbs 18:13 MSG
Fools care nothing for thoughtful discourse; all they do is run off at the mouth. – Proverbs 18:2 MSG
Rash language cuts and maims, but there is healing in the words of the wise. – Proverbs 12:18 MSG
The more talk, the less truth; the wise measure their words. – Proverbs 10:19 MSG
Prayerful answers come from God-loyal people; the wicked are sewers of abuse. – Proverbs 15:28 MSG
A gentle response defuses anger, but a sharp tongue kindles a temper-fire. – Proverbs 15:1 MSG
A reoccurring theme of some dysfunctional family members is the feeling that physical abuse would have been preferential to the verbal and emotional abuse they repeatedly experienced. Bruises eventually heal. Careless and intentionally hurtful words left wounds that no one could see and were replayed in their minds long after they were spoken.
Dysfunctional families tend to communicate in these ways:
Giving the silent treatment.
The silent treatment is the refusal to speak to someone. This type of communication is used to express anger at another person to punish, emotionally manipulate, or control them. Emotionally immature people use this tactic because it’s very effective in hurting another person. It’s emotional abuse and when used often it tends to keep a person “in line”.
When used on children, they fall in line quickly to avoid being abandoned or rejected. Used on adults, this tactic can have the same effect, but it can go a step further and create a sense of crazy-making leaving the victim wondering what they’ve done wrong and if they are somehow a “bad” person. Most people who experience this form of “communication” quickly figure out what not to do to avoid receiving this treatment.
Trying to resolve an issue or figure out what is going on is impossible because the silent person acts like the other person doesn’t even exist. This can last days, weeks, months, or even years.
Blaming the victim.
The chaos makers in dysfunctional families may act poorly by making hurtful comments, breaking promises, or getting violent. If they are called out for their bad behavior, they will turn the situation around by twisting the facts and blaming the victim. If the victim wouldn’t have done “x”, they wouldn’t have yelled at them and called them fat and lazy.
Sexual assault victims are sometimes blamed for what happened to them because of what they are wearing or where they were at when the assault occurred. Within the context of family, victim blaming can happen when one parent blames a child for another parent’s poor behavior or abuse. If the child would just behave like the abusive parent wants, then the abusive parent wouldn’t lose control.
Soothing the abuser.
To diffuse a possible outburst, family members will try to soothe the abuser. This might be done through distraction or over-the-top appeasement to dial down the anger and avoid an incident. Family members will go out of their way to diffuse and then redirect a possible threatening situation.
Humor when things should be serious.
Making light of serious situations comes from a place of fear. Fear of feeling difficult emotions, vulnerability, or facing consequences are the usual culprits. Emotionally immature individuals minimize people’s emotions and situations to escape personal responsibility or discomfort. Feeling mocked and misunderstood in a moment of serious emotion cuts off connection, breaks trust, and breeches safety. Communicating in this way is emotionally abusive and cruel.
Ignoring or not talking about issues.
Denying there are issues is an unwillingness to communicate. This happens when one person confronts another person about an issue and that person refuses to talk about it or denies it even exists. They might say “I don’t know what you are talking about” or “that’s not a big deal” or “you’re making this bigger than it is.”
Long-term issues that have existed for years are often swept under the rug because previous conversations have gone nowhere. And when that happens, family members accept the way things are – toxic or not – and act like the issue doesn’t exist. Essentially, they give up. Untreated mental health issues, problems with alcohol or drugs, or anger issues are examples of problems that get ignored.
Interrupting.
Interrupting when others are talking and not allowing them to finish their thoughts ensures that nothing ever gets solved. This makes people feel unheard and sometimes bullied. And when everyone is interrupting each other, you can be sure that no one is listening to understand. Frequent interruptions disrupt a person’s train of thought and can get them off balance. Being heard and understood within the context of family seems like it should be easy, but sometimes those closest to us are committed to misunderstanding us to preserve their ego or escape personal responsibility.
Often, the more interruptions the louder the voices get because everyone is frustrated and talking over each other. Waiting for people to finish what they are saying requires self-control and this is usually lacking in dysfunctional families.
Downplaying or making excuses for poor behavior.
When poor behavior is discussed within the family, it’s common for enablers, people-pleasers, and codependents to make excuses for the offender. This might sound like “Your dad is tired. That’s why he yelled at you.” Using a bad childhood, stressful job, untreated mental health issues, or poor physical health are common excuses.
Downplaying a person’s experience happens when they are told that an incident “wasn’t that bad” or “it could have been worse” or “that happens in every family” or “when I was your age, I had it worse.” When this happens, people feel dismissed and marginalized. Taken too far, and downplaying can turn into gaslighting. Downplaying can be an attempt to alter reality and confuse people’s emotions.
Manipulating with guilt.
Using guilt to manipulate another person comes in the form of little comments that are made to get someone to do what you want them to do. Usually it sounds something like “if you loved me, you’d….” or “I’ll be heartbroken if you don’t come for dinner” or “I guess I don’t mean that much to you.” Those that use guilt to control others or get what they want, communicate this way when they feel like they aren’t going to get what they want, or they feel like they are losing an argument. This form of communication leads to a feeling of obligation and resentment and will continue until boundaries are set.
Sarcastic remarks.
Sarcasm is the cutting remarks made that are hidden behind humor. They are thinly veiled meanness directed at someone to hurt them. When called out, the receiver of those remarks is chastised for “not being able to take a joke”. These types of remarks are a cowardly way of expressing a person’s thoughts or emotions. For the receiver, the sarcastic remarks cut like a knife and come in the form of “humor.” This type of communication is indirect, childish, immature, and can be cruel.
Blunt remarks (telling it like it is).
Blunt remarks are words said without any tact or kindness. People who are blunt don’t care about someone else’s feelings or have any sense of politeness. Put another way – they have no filter. Those who are blunt might say something like “that color looks terrible on you” or “your last painting was awful.” Blunt people see themselves as being honest but fail to realize that their sharp tongue is deeply wounding at times. Honesty is always good, but people who are blunt are often considered rude and purposely hurtful.
Making assumptions.
Making assumptions on what another person is thinking and then communicating those assumptions to that person is toxic. Instead of asking clarifying questions, dysfunctional family communication dictates that assumption is fact. But assuming what another person is feeling, thinking, or needing leads to misunderstanding and what feels like a character attack because assumptions usually lean toward the negative rather than the positive.
Those that make assumptions do so with little or no evidence. The assumption is based on perspective, bias, mood in the moment, what we choose to focus on, and what we think we know. Assumptions almost always create problems because they are often wrong. Assuming motive or someone’s reason is taken as truth until it blows up and destroys a relationship. Assumptions are based on another person’s version of reality and the narrative they are telling themselves.
Mocking or making fun.
Like sarcasm, mocking someone with an over-the-top impersonation of how you see them is poor communication and abusive. This happens when one person is trying to communicate how they feel about an issue or confront a hurtful behavior and the other person starts mocking or making fun of them. The person being mocked often feels belittled, unheard, and cut down.
The mocker is attempting to shut down the conversation he doesn’t want to have by hurting the other person or driving them away. This form of communication is often cruel and is emotional/verbal/mental abuse.
Shame.
Shame is that nagging feeling and negative self-talk that tells a person they are not good enough. Name-calling creates a sense of shame and dysfunctional families use this weapon to cut down a person. Hearing things like “you are lazy” or “you are selfish” or “you are no good” plants the seed of shame in the mind and heart. Once that seed is planted, it tends to grow like a weed and morph into negative self-talk that sounds like “I am lazy/selfish/no good.” Left unchecked, shame will slowly destroy a person from the inside out.
It’s not always words that create a sense of “not being good enough” within a person. Body language and facial expressions can convey the same message and have the same impact. When a parent gives a child a look of disgust or disappointment, the non-verbal message is that they are “bad”, and the seed of shame is planted.
Lastly, when a parent regularly asks a child with a tone of disgust, “what’s wrong with you?”, you can be sure that the seed of shame is growing. Shame’s purpose is to convince us that something is wrong with us and everyone else has it all together – it’s just us that is a screw up.
Words unsaid.
Dysfunctional families speak volumes on what they don’t say, as well. It’s common for encouragement to be missing in the day-to-day conversations. Praise for a job well done or good behavior doesn’t get said either. Expressions of love are often missing with people rarely hearing the words “I love you”. And when mistakes are made, grace isn’t poured out.
What now?
If you are communicating to your family using any of these toxic patterns, it’s time to change the pattern and acknowledge your wrongdoing. And if you are being spoken to using any of these dysfunctional communication skills, it’s time to set boundaries. None of these are healthy. All of them dishonor God and do not reflect Jesus.
If your family communicated this way, you don’t have to carry on the family dysfunction. Patterns of poor communication done on a consistent basis wound people. And there is no excuse for abuse.
Please set boundaries and limit contact if you feel that’s necessary. Prioritize your mental and emotional health and start the process of healing from these toxic patterns. Decide now that you will not continue to normalize this type of behavior.
A therapist or coach can also help you sort out the dysfunction of your family and the impact it’s having on you today. I wrote Unravel for this reason and I offer 1:1 coaching to help people break free from the dysfunction and live happier and healthier lives.
