I’ve found that most people are convinced that the events in their past are done and over with and they’ve moved on. Essentially, they washed their hands of the people and the experiences that didn’t feel good. For others, they wouldn’t call the dysfunction of their childhood “trauma” so there is an assumption that they are fine. Additionally, I’ve met people who described their childhood as “not that bad” only to find out that their adult struggles were tied directly to unhealed wounds from their younger years.
The reality is this: we subconsciously try to heal our wounds by repeating patterns that bring up the same pain. Sounds like a counterintuitive, sadistic, internal homing beacon, right? So, how do you recalibrate this homing beacon to attract healthy love, joy and peace instead of pain, difficulty and heartache? The answer lies in discovering your faulty patterns and replacing them with new, healthy patterns. Faulty patterns are tricky though because they tend to fly under the radar causing us to function on autopilot until we run out of fuel and land or crash and burn.
First you need to understand trauma & its covert role in your life.
Trauma is typically associated with the idea of violence or negative, life-altering events. While these types of events are traumatic, they aren’t the only events that cause trauma in our lives. By definition trauma is a person’s emotional response to a distressing experience.
So, what is a distressing experience? This is where the definition of trauma becomes personal and unique to every individual on the planet. What is distressing (painful, scary, or upsetting) to one person may not be distressing at all to another. Alternatively, two people could experience the same distressing event and feel differently about the effect. For example, if the two people were asked to rate the trauma associated with an experience on a scale of 1-10 (low to high), one person might rate the event at a 4, while the other person said it was an 8. Same painful or fearful experience – but different emotional responses.
Varying degrees of trauma responses in families is typical. The emotional abuse suffered by siblings is felt, experienced, internalized, and processed differently by each sibling. The imprint these traumatic events made is as unique as their finger prints. As humans we are not the same. In the same way that you have a unique finger print and retina, you also have a unique emotional response.
Comparing your trauma to someone else’s trauma is like comparing apples to oranges. It doesn’t work. On top of that, it is unnecessary. A person can drown in six feet or six inches of water. The human blueprint designed by God did not include any acceptable amount of trauma that would not cause damage to the mind, heart, and soul.
Time heals trauma is a myth.
It’s also important to understand that traumatic events don’t just go away and time does not heal all wounds. The pain of the past is with you every day effecting the decisions you make, your emotional responses, and how you see the world and everyone in it. Studies have shown that autoimmune diseases, heart disease, chronic headaches and pain, insomnia, and other physical ailments are related to undealt with pain in our lives. Anxiety and depression are also linked to trauma that is hidden away.
Childhood pain wreaks havoc by trying to correct itself in our adult years through relationships and other experiences. For example, if you struggle with people-pleasing, perfectionism, fixing others, approval-seeking, or peace-keeping, you have unhealed wounds. A lack of boundaries is another indicator of unhealed wounds. An attraction to the same type of man or woman that isn’t good for you is also an indicator of pain that has been locked away rather than dealt with. We attract dysfunction into our lives based on the dysfunction within us.
“In my years of experience working with hurting people, I’ve seen individuals unsure of why they needed help with their past or how it would help with their life now, moving forward and trusting God’s prompting. The decision to move forward became clear when the pain of their past surfaced and illuminated the mess it was making in the present.”
– Unravel, page iv
Unhealed wounds and unmet needs are trauma mess-makers.
Unhealed wounds are traumas from abuse, neglect, abandonment, etc. Unmet needs come from a lack of love, security, safety, significance, attention, etc. These wounds and neglected needs are little gremlins that pack a powerful punch. They run rampant and unchecked in our minds and hearts making messes and causing regrets. The Gremlins in my life were getting fed after midnight on a daily basis. For years, I fed them with perfectionism, people-pleasing, and approval-seeking…to name a few. When I stopped feeding them by acknowledging the pain in my life and my unmet needs, my gremlins packed up and left. Vulnerability and honesty are the keys to dealing with the pain and unmet needs we are struggling with.
Pretending like we are “over it” (whatever “it” is) causes us to walk around faking fine. Worse yet, pretending like we weren’t hurt at all is what leads to us inflicting the same pain on those around us. Cycles of emotional wounding, physical or sexual abuse, toxic shame, and chronic fear and anxiety get handed down from one generation to the next.
You can take the pain of your past, grieve it, process it, learn from it, and flip the script for your children and all those around you. What we don’t deal with from our past, we leave to our children as an inheritance. Making the decision that generational habits and trauma stops with you is powerful. The ability to change your life and the lives that come after you is profound.
Unravel was written for this reason: to change lives.
Getting honest about what hurt you and allowing God to heal those places of your heart, mind, and soul is critical. Often, we try to fix ourselves. We read books, talk to counselors, or try to power through something that promises hope but the mess is still there. You and I can’t fix ourselves. Only the One who created you, can fix you. Inviting Jesus into your pain is the healing balm you’ve searched for in all the wrong places.
Unpacking the pain of the past is only the first part of Unravel. Life doesn’t change until we learn new strategies in dealing with conflict, pain, disappointment, anger, fear, shame, and guilt. It doesn’t do any good to clean out the pain of the past, but continue living in the same ways that led to a dysfunctional life. You have to live differently to live differently.
Unravel will open your eyes to your dysfunction and give you new strategies for living your life with joy, hope, and gratitude. You will walk lighter through this world. Peace will replace pain. Confidence in knowing that you are armed with the right strategies for any battle will replace anxiety. The purpose you find in the difficult moments of your life will bring fulfillment.
Abundant Life
Jesus said in John 10:10 “… I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.” Jesus came to give you and me a life full of hope, promise, peace, joy, and freedom. He went to the cross with everything that weighs us down and left it in hell where it belongs. You don’t have to carry it anymore. He loves you and wants you to live your best life.
Are you ready to Unravel?
If you would like to learn more about Unravel, click here: Unravel
