From Self-Doubt To Self-Assured: How To Cultivate Lasting Confidence

Apart from Jesus, no one gets out of this world without their self-worth taking a beating from time-to-time. The American Psychological Association defines self-worth as “an individual’s evaluation of himself or herself as a valuable, capable human being deserving of respect and consideration”. For most of us our self-worth and confidence take a pounding when someone close to us intentionally or unintentionally hurts us. 

What I want to teach you today is how to separate another person’s hurtful actions from your worth & value. The painful events of our lives often get assigned negative meaning related to our self-worth. This person did “x” and that means I am “y”.

For example, you are trying to talk to your mom about something important to you. As you talk, she continues scrolling on her phone like she’s done a bazillion times before. But this time, you are hurt and a white-hot rage courses through your veins, and you think to yourself: She always looks at her phone when I am talking to her!!! The rage says, “what I am saying must not be that important to her!” The hurt says, “I must not be that important”. 

We tend to do self-worth math with a faulty equation that looks like this:

Their Actions/Inactions + Their Choices + Their Words = My Self Worth/Value

Assigning negative meaning to the actions of others causes us pain and anger and damages our confidence. 

Left unchecked and allowed to linger that anger morphs into resentment. And now, when we recall that painful event, anger shows up with his buddy helplessness to make sure we are miserable. As we replay every sordid detail of the painful event for the umpteenth time, we feel rage, injustice, and a wave of anxiety (helplessness). Anxiety wants us to live on high alert that what happened before could happen again. And around and around we go on the merry-go-round from hell. James 1:8 says, a double-minded man is unstable in all his ways. 

Separate your worth/value as a person from what’s been done to you or what’s happening now. People act based on who they are, not who you are. We always have a choice in how we behave no matter what’s happened to us or what we’ve been through. 

So, what do we do to improve our confidence?

First, start with taking responsibility for your life and only your life. This means you are accountable for what YOU do, say, think, feel, and decide. You are not responsible for the actions of others. On your best day you don’t have control over what someone else is going to do or say.

Second, and most important, change the narrative of the painful events of your life. Stop assigning a negative or shame-filled meaning to the actions of others that tears you down. These are almost always an assumption and nearly all assumptions are wrong. 

When we assign negative meaning to the actions of others it’s always based on assumption and it only leads to stress, chaos, and hurt. 

Lastly, quit carrying around other people’s mess and looking for ways to make that mess make sense or mean something about you. Spoiler alert: it will never make complete sense and you’ll waste your life and maybe go a little insane trying to understand why the square peg won’t fit in the round hole. 

Here’s the truth: The behavior of others is a glimpse of what’s going on within them and their inability or unwillingness to do anything about it. This doesn’t make them bad or evil per se. It makes them a human with free will. (A list of side effects or a warning label on people would be helpful though, right?)  

Let’s apply what we’ve learned using the It’s Not Personal Tool…

Back in the 1950’s, Albert Ellis the man credited with Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, pushed back on  the widely held theory that people’s actions, or what’s been done to us, causes our feelings. Ellis believed that what makes us mad, sad, or happy is based on what we think about what happened to us. Put another way: what we think or tell ourselves about a person or event dictates what we feel, not the actual event. Thoughts lead to feelings. Ellis developed a process called the ABCD format to help people view life events differently by changing the narrative which, in turn, helped people change how they felt. 

I’ve adapted his process and broken it down into smaller chunks. Keep in mind that working through these steps still requires you to address issues, set boundaries, make amends, or accept responsibility. The It’s Not Personal Tool is for you to process your emotions and separate another person’s behavior from your self-worth and deal with your emotions in a healthier way. 

In the scenario below, a breakdown in communication has occurred between you and your husband. The incident was a few days ago, but you are still frustrated by what happened and see it as a personal attack and a sign he doesn’t care about you or respect you. (Note: I broke this situation down into micro-steps to help you see the It’s Not Personal Tool in action.)

State the event without judgement or emotion  — just the facts. (Luke 1:3)

My husband was angry the night before. When we got up the next morning, he was still angry, so I tried to talk to him about it. He wouldn’t talk to me and then left for work. 

What feelings am I experiencing? (Proverbs 15:14)

Frustration. Anger. Anxiety. Stress. Confusion. Helplessness. Powerlessness.

What do I believe about this event? – about myself, the other person, and/or the situation? (Galatians 5:9)

About myself:

• I am insignificant, unimportant, & unsafe. 
• My husband doesn’t respect me enough to talk to me.
• I don’t know why he’s upset, but it’s probably my fault.

About the situation:

• I should have swept the issue under the rug to maintain the peace.

About the other person:

• I am sick of his childish behavior and inability to communicate like an adult!
• We don’t ever resolve anything! 
• How long will he not talk to me?   

Why am I believing this? (Proverbs 3:5)

• I am hurt and scared that he might abandon me. 
• He has blamed me in the past for his moods. 
• I feel powerless to stop this pattern of behavior.

What else could be true about this situation? (Proverbs 28:26)

• My husband felt overwhelmed and didn’t know how to deal with his feelings, so he shut down.
• My husband felt threatened by my attempt to talk to him.
• My husband could be upset about something at work or upset with someone else.
• My husband was triggered by a past event that had nothing to do with me but caused him to respond the way he did.

How can I reframe this event? (1 Peter 3:8)

• My desire to talk about what was bothering my spouse was not crazy or out of line.
• His unwillingness to talk to me had nothing to do with me or my significance or importance as a person. 
• I did the right and loving thing by wanting to talk and resolve the issue.
•  I cannot control how he chooses to see my attempts to talk. 
• My husband was struggling with difficult emotions and didn’t know how to communicate them with me – it’s not personal. 
• I need to work on my approach and my fear of being abandoned so that my perceived fears don’t make a difficult situation worse.

Now, what feelings am I experiencing? (Proverbs 16:32)

Calm(er). Empathy for my husband. Self-control. Less hurt and sad. Peace.

What could I have done differently/ better in this situation? (Psalm 32:8)

• I could have asked once what was bothering him and then left it alone. 
• The incident made me feel anxious and my continuing to initiate conversation left me hurt. 
• I played a part in my own suffering by assuming I’d done something wrong and not walking away sooner to protect my peace.
• I could have picked a different time that allowed us more time to talk. 

What do I need to do to move forward? (Proverbs 4:25)

• Forgive my husband and pray for him. 
• Set a boundary: when my husband withdraws, I will ask once if he’d like to talk about what is bothering him and after that leave him alone to work out his feelings on his own. 
• Going forward, I will not assume that I’ve done something wrong and torment myself trying to figure out what it is. If I’ve done something to upset him, it’s his responsibility to tell me and discuss it. 
• I will remind myself that his feelings are his to work out and not my responsibility to resolve.

Using the It’s Not Personal Tool helps you to see a situation from a different angle. The exercise began with taking responsibility for your spouses’ actions, giving meaning to those actions that tore you down, and you feeling powerless over his lack of communication. But it ended with you giving his behavior back to him with empathy and compassion. The fear, anger, and shame that was felt was replaced with truth, empathy, and establishing a boundary should the incident repeat itself in the future giving you peace and a sese of calmness.

REMEMBER:

A person’s actions can ONLY reflect who they are — they can never reflect who you are.

Let’s wrap it up…

You are worthy because you are God’s child and simply because you exist. God created you on purpose for a purpose – that means you have value. In fact, even the hairs on your head are all numbered. Do not be afraid; you are more valuable than many sparrows. – Luke 12:7

Stay in your lane. Be you. Work on you. Take responsibility for you. Resentment and the feeling of helplessness that makes you feel stuck will subside when you take A-C-T-I-O-N to change your life. 

Remember:

• Changing how you think about painful events will improve your self-worth and help you resolve your emotions — and slowly-but-surely bring joy and peace back into your life. 
• Assumptions are almost always wrong. Stop treating them like they are truth. 
• Anger will pass quickly when you stop taking people’s behavior personally and act based on your boundaries and the person you choose to be. 
• Your thoughts determine your feelings. Change your thoughts, change your feelings. 

I hope this helps! Click here to download a free PDF of the It’s Not Personal Tool.