God takes boundaries very seriously and has so since the beginning. Adam and Eve were given the entire garden of Eden to enjoy except the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil (Genesis 2:17) – God set a boundary. And like a lot of people, Adam and Eve blew right past that boundary and violated it. How did God respond to this violation? With consequences – the main being that they lost access to the lush, beautiful, perfect Garden of Eden. God set a boundary with Adam and Eve to preserve His relationship with them and He expects us to do the same.
Boundaries preserve our freedom and are how we guard our hearts (Proverbs 4:23). We are commanded to guard OUR hearts – not other people’s hearts – ours. And why? Because our hearts dictate what we do. God wants us to love one another (John 13:34), love Him (Deuteronomy 6:5), and remain in the freedom that Jesus died on the cross for (John 10:10). Our hearts are part of our soul and souls can get polluted by the fallen world we live in. Proverbs 4:23 says:
Above ALL else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.
Boundaries are how we guard our hearts. Our “doing” is either influenced by a polluted soul or one that is carefully guarded or protected from the unhealthy, toxic, dysfunctional, and sinfulness of this world and the people that inhabit it. Boundaries allow us to decide what we will and won’t tolerate, how we’ll live our lives, who and what we’ll allow to influence us, and what we’ll let into our soul.
Boundaries are about SELF-control – not other control. They are not about changing other people. They are about how you will react in certain situations and what you will allow to influence you. Boundaries aren’t about telling other people how to live their lives. They are about deciding HOW YOU WILL LIVE YOUR LIFE.
Boundaries are also about access to you based on the level of responsibility displayed by others. Life without boundaries is chaos. To avoid or minimize chaos we must grant people access to us based on how responsible they’ve been towards us. People who have patterns of hurtful behavior (unreliable, emotional instability, poor communication, unresolved conflict, invalidating emotions, lying, cheating, broken promises, name-calling, abuse, etc.) are irresponsible. Their level of access to you should be lower than someone who has acted responsibly (loving, kind, dependable, communicates well, trustworthy, honest, good listener, etc.) towards you.
Irresponsible people might want level ten access (the highest) to you, but they consistently function at a level three. Expect them to fuss and fight about their limited access but stay the course. Because when we give people full access to us that haven’t earned it, we end up hurt, disappointed, and cleaning up a mess in our lives that we allowed them to make. Boundaries are how we stop cleaning up the messes other people make in our lives and freeing ourselves from unnecessary grief and pain. And this is how we guard our hearts.
Adam and Eve had full access to God in the Garden of Eden – until they violated God’s boundary, and He downgraded their access to match their level of responsibility. Lysa TurKeurst says this, “In Genesis we see that Adam and Eve were given one boundary. By the time we read through the Law and the Prophets we find hundreds of boundaries that God put in place for us “stiff-necked” people (Exodus 32:9, Deuteronomy 9:6; 2 Kings 17:14; 2 Chronicles 30:8; Nehemiah 9:16). God has boundaries and He takes violations seriously. Remember, God won’t tolerate sin (Habbakuk 1:3). Sin separates (Isaiah 59:1-2).
Just like God setting the boundary with Adam and Eve in the garden to preserve His relationship with them, our boundaries are about preserving our relationships with others and ourselves.
Oftentimes, our anger, rage, resentment, bitterness, and the things we complain about repeatedly are KEY indicators of where we need to implement boundaries. If you aren’t sure where to start with boundaries, start with what is frustrating you right now about yourself or one of your relationships.
Let’s get honest… real honest… God already knows everything going on with you so there’s no reason to hide anything. What we won’t acknowledge to Him, He won’t heal — because He will not trample YOUR boundaries or freewill to get to whatever you are hellbent (literally) on keeping from Him.
Here’s a few questions to help you determine where you might need to set a boundary:
#1
How are you failing to guard your heart right now? How are you polluting your soul? Are you putting up with hurtful or toxic behavior? Are you people-pleasing? Conflict avoiding? Stuffing your emotions? Faking fine? Ignoring red flags? Hanging on to relationships you know are not good for you out of fear of being alone? Are you listening to the lies of the enemy that say you are not good enough? Are you dragging around old mistakes and beating yourself up?
#2
What relationship in your life is the most difficult or painful right now? Parent? Friend? Spouse? Child? Boss? Coworker? Specifically, in what ways is it hurting you? Is there a pattern of behavior that is being repeated? Poor communication? Lack of conflict resolution? Lying? Cheating? Abuse?
You have no control over the other person – only YOU.
#3
What behaviors can YOU stop participating in or doing that are hurting you and dragging you deeper into anger and hopelessness? (For example: stop yelling or name-calling OR when someone else yells or name-calls, decide that you will calmly leave the room instead of listening to hurtful words and allowing yourself to be wounded.)
Don’t look now, but you just set your boundaries! A lot of boundaries don’t have to be discussed with other people because boundaries are about deciding ahead of time how YOU will react when someone or something goes sideways.
Boundaries protect your heart and emotions so that you don’t have to spend time healing from the hurtful things other people do and the mistakes that you typically make that turn into regrets. When we set boundaries, we head trouble off at the pass so that evil can’t catch us. Much of what we spend our adult lives healing from would have never existed if we had boundaries in place because we wouldn’t have allowed evil to harm us in the first place. At the first sign of trouble, we’d have said no! and walked away. Boundaries are God’s idea and because they are His idea, they are 100% good.
Do you need help figuring out what boundaries you need to set in your life? I can help with that!
My ebook “Respecting Your Limits: The Boundary Building Workbook” is everything you need to understand, set, and uphold boundaries to change you, your relationships, & your life. The ebook is 120 pages packed full of content to transform your life. There are step-by-step instructions on how to set and enforce boundaries — no guess work. I will walk you through the whole process! You’ll also figure out why boundaries have been hard for you to set and learn to say “no” without feeling guilty.
And if you know that you need 1:1 support, encouragement, accountability, and instruction let’s work together!
