Do you avoid making a decision? If over-thinking and feeling stuck in life were an Olympic sport, most of us would be gold medalists. Some even argue that their procrastination is wisdom and discernment in disguise on the off chance that something falls into place for them. But living this way isn’t being a good steward of the life God has given to us and doesn’t produce a fulfilling life. Staying stuck in a cycle of overthinking and living without intentionality keeps us anxious, depressed, restless, and disappointed (usually with ourselves).
If we’ve been judged harshly, criticized, or heard “I told you so” by people close to us for our mistakes, we get decision phobic. Fear comes up with a thousand what ifs, shame says we’re failures, anger gets worked up thinking about the potential criticism, and guilt dumps a full ladle of “disappointing others” gravy on the mix.
But decision making is part of life. It’s a requirement.
And whatever you DO, in word or in deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him. – Colossians 3:17
In the original Greek, do is a verb and means: to act, cause, or make.
And whatever you DO – requires our ACTION.
You know you need to make a change in your life, start or stop a habit, or make a decision (large or small), but your emotions start weighing in at the very thought of making a move in your life. So, how do we get unstuck? We take A.C.T.I.O.N.
A – Assess Your Emotions
Action requires that we assess our emotions and see what they are trying to tell us. Ignoring them does.not.work.
What’s important to understand is that our brain’s primary purpose is to protect us and ensure our survival. To do that, our brain takes in all the information we are feeding it and processes that information through the filter of our past to protect us from repeat pain, disappointment, or some other difficult emotion. This is why we get stuck. If a decision has the possibility of “danger”, our brain hits the breaks and puts us in “park” to ward off the perceived danger.
Understanding what our brain is trying to do helps us to understand that not all our emotions or thoughts about a situation are 100% true or rational. Typically, we function like our emotions and feelings are absolute truth and that’s what gets us into trouble.
The primary emotions we experience are (definitions taken from Unravel ):
- Fear: A belief that something, perceived or real, is a threat to anything you care about.
- Worry: Dwelling on negative thoughts, uncertainty, or things that could go wrong related to real threats. Example: I lost my job (what could go wrong). How will I pay the rent (real threat)?
- Stress: A reaction to change or expectations that exceed an individual’s resources. Example: My boss just gave me a 10-page report to review in 1 hour. (Last minute request with what seems like an unrealistic time time).
- Anxiety: A combination of worry + stress to a perceived threat. Example: your mind races about what traffic might be like and the possibility of bad drivers on the way to work (perceived threats).
- Appropriate Guilt: the voice of your conscience helping you realize that you have stepped over the line of right and wrong and your morality, values, and standards.
- Inappropriate Guilt: the feeling of guilt based on the actions of others, the feelings of others, or situations outside of your control. Examples: being blamed for someone else’s emotional reaction or their decisions, calling in sick, taking any time for yourself, saying “no” to other people’s requests, feeling angry when someone has hurt or wronged you.
- Anger: an emotional response that arises (in the moment) when unexpected things happen to you, around you, or within you that you don’t like or that defy your sense of justice.
- Pride: a heart attitude expressed in an unhealthy, exaggerated attention to self and either an elevated (egotistical) or diminished (insecurity) view of one’s abilities, accomplishments, position, or possessions. Either way, the focus is most often on you.
- Shame: An identity crisis caused by an overpowering belief that one is fundamentally flawed and therefore uniquely unworthy of belonging, connection, approval, or equality in a relationship. It typically starts out with I am and is followed by a word or phrase that tears you down. It is the overall feeling of not being good enough. Example: I am stupid. I am a bad mom. I am a failure. I am weak.
Take note of the feelings you are experiencing and what they are saying. Don’t judge or overthink them. I recommend writing them all down.
Ask yourself this question:
What specifically do I feel anxious about? Worried about? Stressed about? Guilty about? Angry about? Prideful about? In what ways do I not feel good enough?
C – Challenge Limiting Beliefs
Now that you’ve identified your emotions and feelings, it’s time to challenge the lies that are holding you back or limiting you. Maybe your inner critic is telling you that nothing will change for you, you are a failure. To challenge these lies, you need to take those thoughts captive and push back on them. It might sound something like this, “I have failed a few times, but that doesn’t make me a failure or incapable of changing. Everyone fails before they succeed. Healthy, normal people fail, and they continually grow and change.”
Next, for each of the shame (not good enough) statements that you wrote down, challenge those lies with the truth. If need be (and I highly recommend), challenge those messages with evidence from your life that refutes the lie. For example, come up with 1-2 examples of times when you succeeded. It might sound like, “I got that promotion last year at work or I paid off my credit card.” Whatever we look for in life, we’ll find so look for the truth.
T – Trust God
Much of what keeps us stuck in indecision is our fear of messing up and making life worse. As Christians we want to do what God wants us to do – and that’s a good thing – until it paralyzes us. Ideally, we’d like for God to drop an opportunity in our lap, or we’d like clear, undisputable communication from God that we should do “x” and so we stay put until we get crystal clear direction. But really, we are using God as an excuse to not push past the fear and move.
Trusting God is about not knowing with absolute certainty what will happen, but that He is in control and will never leave us or forsake us (Deuteronomy 31:8). This is what gives us the freedom to move. If we move in a direction that isn’t the right one, we trust that He will redirect us. Faith in God being good means that He is always watching out for and protecting us regardless of our goodness or faithfulness – because that’s who He is. And because our faith requires us to rely on God, we learn to be ok with Him revealing the next step with each step we take (Philippians 2:13). The revelation we desire is predicated on our moving and trusting that He will open and close doors at just the right time.
Trusting God is about our willingness to pray (James 1:5), seek wise council from 1-2 trusted people (Proverbs 12:15), reading scripture to hear from God (Psalm 119:105), and then moving forward with what we know and to the best of our ability (2 Corinthians 5:7).
I – Identify Your Wants/Needs/Goals/Values
You are the only one that can identify and communicate what you want and need. If you haven’t thought about that in a while or maybe ever, it’s time to put pen to paper and ask yourself these questions:
What do I…?
- want in life or in a certain situation?
- need emotionally, spiritually, physically, mentally right now?
- hope to have accomplished?
Who do I…?
- want to be – not just known as – but actually be?
What are my…?
- core values?
- priorities? Do my actions reflect those priorities?
- strengths, skills, and talents? Am I fully using them?
- life and personal goals?
Taking action requires that we know who we are, what we need/want, what is important to us, and have a clear picture of what success means to us. Needs, wants, values, and goals are not random – they are God planted. The decisions we make should align with who God created us to be and the purpose He’s placed in our heart.
O – Opportunity & Obstacles
Every decision we make comes with positive or negative consequences. Said another way, there’s an upside and a downside to all our decisions. The upside to taking that new job is the bump in pay and the downside to taking that new job is not seeing your work bestie every day.
As you contemplate a decision, consider the opportunities (the positive consequences) and the obstacles (the negative consequences). You can use a pros and cons list to get a visual on the opportunities and obstacles this decision will bring. Remember to consider your goals, values, wants, and needs as you make your list. Be realistic with your list. Do your research to limit assumptions. It’s important to realize that some pros and cons weigh more than others too.
N – Next Right Move
Now it’s time to make the next right move. It’s not about boiling the ocean on day one. Dipping your toe in the water is the next right move. Small movement is still movement. Let’s say you’ve decided to stop consuming sugar. Boiling the ocean would be to cut off all sugar cold turkey. Dipping your toe in the water might be cutting back on sugary drinks for a period and then removing sugary snacks from the pantry and then removing other sugars you know you are consuming – little by little.
What’s the next right move for you? You don’t have to have it all figured out. You just need to know the next right move based on the information you’ve gathered in the previous steps. If the move doesn’t work out like you thought it would, gather information from the mistake and move again. Failure is simply the opportunity to begin again, this time more intelligently. – Henry Ford
Wrapping Up…
God will not ask us what our spouse, our kids, or our parents did with their life. He will ask us what we did with ours. We are accountable for how we spend our days. He expects us to work and use every bit of the talents, gifts, and abilities He’s given us. It’s time to take A.C.T.I.O.N. and start making some moves.
I hope this helps! If you need some 1:1 coaching help to identify why you struggle with making decisions, or to prioritize your list of lingering decisions and come up with an A.C.T.I.O.N. plan, let me know —> COACHING.
