Apart from Jesus, no one gets out of this world without their self-worth taking a beating from time-to-time. The American Psychological Association defines self-worth as “an individual’s evaluation of himself or herself as a valuable, capable human being deserving of respect and consideration”. For most of us our self-worth and confidence take a pounding when someone close to us intentionally or unintentionally hurts us. 

What I want to teach you today is how to separate another person’s hurtful actions from your worth & value. The painful events of our lives often get assigned negative meaning related to our self-worth. This person did “x” and that means I am “y”.

For example, you are trying to talk to your mom about something important to you. As you talk, she continues scrolling on her phone like she’s done a bazillion times before. But this time, you are hurt and a white-hot rage courses through your veins, and you think to yourself: She always looks at her phone when I am talking to her!!! The rage says, “what I am saying must not be that important to her!” The hurt says, “I must not be that important”. 

We tend to do self-worth math with a faulty equation that looks like this:

Their Actions/Inactions + Their Choices + Their Words = My Self Worth/Value

Assigning negative meaning to the actions of others causes us pain and anger and damages our confidence. 

Left unchecked and allowed to linger that anger morphs into resentment. And now, when we recall that painful event, anger shows up with his buddy helplessness to make sure we are miserable. As we replay every sordid detail of the painful event for the umpteenth time, we feel rage, injustice, and a wave of anxiety (helplessness). Anxiety wants us to live on high alert that what happened before could happen again. And around and around we go on the merry-go-round from hell. James 1:8 says, a double-minded man is unstable in all his ways. 

Separate your worth/value as a person from what’s been done to you or what’s happening now. People act based on who they are, not who you are. We always have a choice in how we behave no matter what’s happened to us or what we’ve been through. 

So, what do we do to improve our confidence?

First, start with taking responsibility for your life and only your life. This means you are accountable for what YOU do, say, think, feel, and decide. You are not responsible for the actions of others. On your best day you don’t have control over what someone else is going to do or say.

Second, and most important, change the narrative of the painful events of your life. Stop assigning a negative or shame-filled meaning to the actions of others that tears you down. These are almost always an assumption and nearly all assumptions are wrong. 

When we assign negative meaning to the actions of others it’s always based on assumption and it only leads to stress, chaos, and hurt. 

Lastly, quit carrying around other people’s mess and looking for ways to make that mess make sense or mean something about you. Spoiler alert: it will never make complete sense and you’ll waste your life and maybe go a little insane trying to understand why the square peg won’t fit in the round hole. 

Here’s the truth: The behavior of others is a glimpse of what’s going on within them and their inability or unwillingness to do anything about it. This doesn’t make them bad or evil per se. It makes them a human with free will. (A list of side effects or a warning label on people would be helpful though, right?)  

Let’s apply what we’ve learned using the It’s Not Personal Tool…

Back in the 1950’s, Albert Ellis the man credited with Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, pushed back on  the widely held theory that people’s actions, or what’s been done to us, causes our feelings. Ellis believed that what makes us mad, sad, or happy is based on what we think about what happened to us. Put another way: what we think or tell ourselves about a person or event dictates what we feel, not the actual event. Thoughts lead to feelings. Ellis developed a process called the ABCD format to help people view life events differently by changing the narrative which, in turn, helped people change how they felt. 

I’ve adapted his process and broken it down into smaller chunks. Keep in mind that working through these steps still requires you to address issues, set boundaries, make amends, or accept responsibility. The It’s Not Personal Tool is for you to process your emotions and separate another person’s behavior from your self-worth and deal with your emotions in a healthier way. 

In the scenario below, a breakdown in communication has occurred between you and your husband. The incident was a few days ago, but you are still frustrated by what happened and see it as a personal attack and a sign he doesn’t care about you or respect you. (Note: I broke this situation down into micro-steps to help you see the It’s Not Personal Tool in action.)

State the event without judgement or emotion  — just the facts. (Luke 1:3)

My husband was angry the night before. When we got up the next morning, he was still angry, so I tried to talk to him about it. He wouldn’t talk to me and then left for work. 

What feelings am I experiencing? (Proverbs 15:14)

Frustration. Anger. Anxiety. Stress. Confusion. Helplessness. Powerlessness.

What do I believe about this event? – about myself, the other person, and/or the situation? (Galatians 5:9)

About myself:

• I am insignificant, unimportant, & unsafe. 
• My husband doesn’t respect me enough to talk to me.
• I don’t know why he’s upset, but it’s probably my fault.

About the situation:

• I should have swept the issue under the rug to maintain the peace.

About the other person:

• I am sick of his childish behavior and inability to communicate like an adult!
• We don’t ever resolve anything! 
• How long will he not talk to me?   

Why am I believing this? (Proverbs 3:5)

• I am hurt and scared that he might abandon me. 
• He has blamed me in the past for his moods. 
• I feel powerless to stop this pattern of behavior.

What else could be true about this situation? (Proverbs 28:26)

• My husband felt overwhelmed and didn’t know how to deal with his feelings, so he shut down.
• My husband felt threatened by my attempt to talk to him.
• My husband could be upset about something at work or upset with someone else.
• My husband was triggered by a past event that had nothing to do with me but caused him to respond the way he did.

How can I reframe this event? (1 Peter 3:8)

• My desire to talk about what was bothering my spouse was not crazy or out of line.
• His unwillingness to talk to me had nothing to do with me or my significance or importance as a person. 
• I did the right and loving thing by wanting to talk and resolve the issue.
•  I cannot control how he chooses to see my attempts to talk. 
• My husband was struggling with difficult emotions and didn’t know how to communicate them with me – it’s not personal. 
• I need to work on my approach and my fear of being abandoned so that my perceived fears don’t make a difficult situation worse.

Now, what feelings am I experiencing? (Proverbs 16:32)

Calm(er). Empathy for my husband. Self-control. Less hurt and sad. Peace.

What could I have done differently/ better in this situation? (Psalm 32:8)

• I could have asked once what was bothering him and then left it alone. 
• The incident made me feel anxious and my continuing to initiate conversation left me hurt. 
• I played a part in my own suffering by assuming I’d done something wrong and not walking away sooner to protect my peace.
• I could have picked a different time that allowed us more time to talk. 

What do I need to do to move forward? (Proverbs 4:25)

• Forgive my husband and pray for him. 
• Set a boundary: when my husband withdraws, I will ask once if he’d like to talk about what is bothering him and after that leave him alone to work out his feelings on his own. 
• Going forward, I will not assume that I’ve done something wrong and torment myself trying to figure out what it is. If I’ve done something to upset him, it’s his responsibility to tell me and discuss it. 
• I will remind myself that his feelings are his to work out and not my responsibility to resolve.

Using the It’s Not Personal Tool helps you to see a situation from a different angle. The exercise began with taking responsibility for your spouses’ actions, giving meaning to those actions that tore you down, and you feeling powerless over his lack of communication. But it ended with you giving his behavior back to him with empathy and compassion. The fear, anger, and shame that was felt was replaced with truth, empathy, and establishing a boundary should the incident repeat itself in the future giving you peace and a sese of calmness.

REMEMBER:

A person’s actions can ONLY reflect who they are — they can never reflect who you are.

Let’s wrap it up…

You are worthy because you are God’s child and simply because you exist. God created you on purpose for a purpose – that means you have value. In fact, even the hairs on your head are all numbered. Do not be afraid; you are more valuable than many sparrows. – Luke 12:7

Stay in your lane. Be you. Work on you. Take responsibility for you. Resentment and the feeling of helplessness that makes you feel stuck will subside when you take A-C-T-I-O-N to change your life. 

Remember:

• Changing how you think about painful events will improve your self-worth and help you resolve your emotions — and slowly-but-surely bring joy and peace back into your life. 
• Assumptions are almost always wrong. Stop treating them like they are truth. 
• Anger will pass quickly when you stop taking people’s behavior personally and act based on your boundaries and the person you choose to be. 
• Your thoughts determine your feelings. Change your thoughts, change your feelings. 

I hope this helps! Click here to download a free PDF of the It’s Not Personal Tool.

Do you avoid making a decision? If over-thinking and feeling stuck in life were an Olympic sport, most of us would be gold medalists. Some even argue that their procrastination is wisdom and discernment in disguise on the off chance that something falls into place for them. But living this way isn’t being a good steward of the life God has given to us and doesn’t produce a fulfilling life. Staying stuck in a cycle of overthinking and living without intentionality keeps us anxious, depressed, restless, and disappointed (usually with ourselves). 

If we’ve been judged harshly, criticized, or heard “I told you so” by people close to us for our mistakes, we get decision phobic. Fear comes up with a thousand what ifs, shame says we’re failures, anger gets worked up thinking about the potential criticism, and guilt dumps a full ladle of “disappointing others” gravy on the mix. 

But decision making is part of life. It’s a requirement. 

And whatever you DO, in word or in deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him. – Colossians 3:17

In the original Greek, do is a verb and means: to act, cause, or make. 

And whatever you DO – requires our ACTION.

You know you need to make a change in your life, start or stop a habit, or make a decision (large or small), but your emotions start weighing in at the very thought of making a move in your life. So, how do we get unstuck? We take A.C.T.I.O.N.

A – Assess Your Emotions

Action requires that we assess our emotions and see what they are trying to tell us. Ignoring them does.not.work.

What’s important to understand is that our brain’s primary purpose is to protect us and ensure our survival. To do that, our brain takes in all the information we are feeding it and processes that information through the filter of our past to protect us from repeat pain, disappointment, or some other difficult emotion. This is why we get stuck. If a decision has the possibility of “danger”, our brain hits the breaks and puts us in “park” to ward off the perceived danger.

Understanding what our brain is trying to do helps us to understand that not all our emotions or thoughts about a situation are 100% true or rational. Typically, we function like our emotions and feelings are absolute truth and that’s what gets us into trouble. 

The primary emotions we experience are (definitions taken from Unravel ):

• Fear: A belief that something, perceived or real, is a threat to anything you care about. 
• Worry: Dwelling on negative thoughts, uncertainty, or things that could go wrong related to real threats. Example: I lost my job (what could go wrong). How will I pay the rent (real threat)? 
• Stress: A reaction to change or expectations that exceed an individual’s resources. Example: My boss just gave me a 10-page report to review in 1 hour. (Last minute request with what seems like an unrealistic time time).
• Anxiety: A combination of worry + stress to a perceived threat. Example: your mind races about what traffic might be like and the possibility of bad drivers on the way to work (perceived threats). 
• Appropriate Guilt: the voice of your conscience helping you realize that you have stepped over the line of right and wrong and your morality, values, and standards. 
• Inappropriate Guilt: the feeling of guilt based on the actions of others, the feelings of others, or situations outside of your control. Examples: being blamed for someone else’s emotional reaction or their decisions, calling in sick, taking any time for yourself, saying “no” to other people’s requests, feeling angry when someone has hurt or wronged you.
• Anger: an emotional response that arises (in the moment) when unexpected things happen to you, around you, or within you that you don’t like or that defy your sense of justice. 
• Pride: a heart attitude expressed in an unhealthy, exaggerated attention to self and either an elevated (egotistical) or diminished (insecurity) view of one’s abilities, accomplishments, position, or possessions. Either way, the focus is most often on you. 
• Shame: An identity crisis caused by an overpowering belief that one is fundamentally flawed and therefore uniquely unworthy of belonging, connection, approval, or equality in a relationship. It typically starts out with I am and is followed by a word or phrase that tears you down. It is the overall feeling of not being good enough. Example: I am stupid. I am a bad mom. I am a failure. I am weak.

Take note of the feelings you are experiencing and what they are saying. Don’t judge or overthink them. I recommend writing them all down. 

Ask yourself this question:

What specifically do I feel anxious about? Worried about? Stressed about? Guilty about? Angry about? Prideful about? In what ways do I not feel good enough?

C ­– Challenge Limiting Beliefs

Now that you’ve identified your emotions and feelings, it’s time to challenge the lies that are holding you back or limiting you. Maybe your inner critic is telling you that nothing will change for you, you are a failure. To challenge these lies, you need to take those thoughts captive and push back on them. It might sound something like this, “I have failed a few times, but that doesn’t make me a failure or incapable of changing. Everyone fails before they succeed. Healthy, normal people fail, and they continually grow and change.”  

Next, for each of the shame (not good enough) statements that you wrote down, challenge those lies with the truth. If need be (and I highly recommend), challenge those messages with evidence from your life that refutes the lie. For example, come up with 1-2 examples of times when you succeeded. It might sound like, “I got that promotion last year at work or I paid off my credit card.”  Whatever we look for in life, we’ll find so look for the truth. 

T – Trust God

Much of what keeps us stuck in indecision is our fear of messing up and making life worse. As Christians we want to do what God wants us to do – and that’s a good thing – until it paralyzes us. Ideally, we’d like for God to drop an opportunity in our lap, or we’d like clear, undisputable communication from God that we should do “x” and so we stay put until we get crystal clear direction. But really, we are using God as an excuse to not push past the fear and move.

Trusting God is about not knowing with absolute certainty what will happen, but that He is in control and will never leave us or forsake us (Deuteronomy 31:8). This is what gives us the freedom to move. If we move in a direction that isn’t the right one, we trust that He will redirect us. Faith in God being good means that He is always watching out for and protecting us regardless of our goodness or faithfulness – because that’s who He is. And because our faith requires us to rely on God, we learn to be ok with Him revealing the next step with each step we take (Philippians 2:13). The revelation we desire is predicated on our moving and trusting that He will open and close doors at just the right time.  

Trusting God is about our willingness to pray (James 1:5), seek wise council from 1-2 trusted people (Proverbs 12:15), reading scripture to hear from God (Psalm 119:105), and then moving forward with what we know and to the best of our ability (2 Corinthians 5:7). 

I – Identify Your Wants/Needs/Goals/Values

You are the only one that can identify and communicate what you want and need. If you haven’t thought about that in a while or maybe ever, it’s time to put pen to paper and ask yourself these questions:

What do I…?

• want in life or in a certain situation?
• need emotionally, spiritually, physically, mentally right now?
• hope to have accomplished?

Who do I…?

• want to be – not just known as – but actually be?

What are my…?

• core values?
• priorities? Do my actions reflect those priorities? 
• strengths, skills, and talents? Am I fully using them?
• life and personal goals?

Taking action requires that we know who we are, what we need/want, what is important to us, and have a clear picture of what success means to us. Needs, wants, values, and goals are not random – they are God planted. The decisions we make should align with who God created us to be and the purpose He’s placed in our heart.

O – Opportunity & Obstacles

Every decision we make comes with positive or negative consequences. Said another way, there’s an upside and a downside to all our decisions. The upside to taking that new job is the bump in pay and the downside to taking that new job is not seeing your work bestie every day. 

As you contemplate a decision, consider the opportunities (the positive consequences) and the obstacles (the negative consequences). You can use a pros and cons list to get a visual on the opportunities and obstacles this decision will bring. Remember to consider your goals, values, wants, and needs as you make your list. Be realistic with your list. Do your research to limit assumptions. It’s important to realize that some pros and cons weigh more than others too. 

N – Next Right Move

Now it’s time to make the next right move. It’s not about boiling the ocean on day one. Dipping your toe in the water is the next right move. Small movement is still movement. Let’s say you’ve decided to stop consuming sugar. Boiling the ocean would be to cut off all sugar cold turkey. Dipping your toe in the water might be cutting back on sugary drinks for a period and then removing sugary snacks from the pantry and then removing other sugars you know you are consuming – little by little. 

What’s the next right move for you? You don’t have to have it all figured out. You just need to know the next right move based on the information you’ve gathered in the previous steps. If the move doesn’t work out like you thought it would, gather information from the mistake and move again. Failure is simply the opportunity to begin again, this time more intelligently. – Henry Ford 

Wrapping Up…

God will not ask us what our spouse, our kids, or our parents did with their life. He will ask us what we did with ours. We are accountable for how we spend our days. He expects us to work and use every bit of the talents, gifts, and abilities He’s given us. It’s time to take A.C.T.I.O.N. and start making some moves. 

I hope this helps! If you need some 1:1 coaching help to identify why you struggle with making decisions, or to prioritize your list of lingering decisions and come up with an A.C.T.I.O.N. plan, let me know —> COACHING.

Emotionally safe people build trust in relationships. Safe people are committed to their own personal growth, dealing with their unhealed wounds, meeting their unmet needs, and partnering with Jesus to become more like Him with each passing day.

Safe people build trust. Unsafe people break trust. 

At one point or another, we’ve all been an unsafe person, or we’ve developed some emotionally unsafe habits that need to be broken. Keep in mind that the only control we have is over ourselves. We must allow God to work in our lives and trust Him to work in the lives of others. Striving to be the best version of ourselves is life-long work. 

No one can fix what they don’t know is broken. Are you an emotionally safe person? 

Emotionally Safe People…

Offer empathy and validate emotions.

Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of others. It’s the ability to put yourself in someone else’s shoes and see a situation from their perspective. Empathy doesn’t require that we agree with how someone thinks or feels. It just means that we can understand their feelings because we have experienced the same or similar feelings at one time or another. 

Validating emotions is the act of seeking to understand how another person feels without dismissing, judging, or trying to talk someone out of their emotional response. Neither require that both people agree with how someone thinks or feels, but healthy people can acknowledge someone’s perspective and feelings without feeling threatened by them. 

Jesus empathizes with us – Hebrews 4:15 says Jesus understands every weakness of ours, because he was tempted in every way that we are. But he did not sin!

Safe People do not judge, pressure, or manipulate.

Emotionally safe people don’t judge others because they know they are just as flawed as the next person. Judging another person comes from a place of feeling inferior, insecure, and not good enough. We tend to judge people in the areas of our lives that we feel the most insecure about. 

Pressuring or pushing people is the act of trying to get another person to do what you want. Those that pressure others tend to not accept when someone says “no” or sets a boundary. People that use pressure to get someone to do what they want are unsafe and often create anxiety, resentment, and disconnection. 

Manipulation is another tactic used by emotionally unsafe people to get what they want. Often this is done through instilling fear, outbursts of anger, invoking pity, playing on someone’s weaknesses, using appropriate or inappropriate guilt to coerce, or using things shared as a weapon when it’s convenient. 

See that no one leads you astray. – Matthew 24:4

Ask questions to further understanding.

Safe people ask questions rather than make assumptions because they know that assumptions are falsehoods— wrong ideas. Assumptions are the lowest level of communication and are often the devil’s playground because they tend to cause hurt and conflict. Asking questions and seeking clarity ensures that we are communicating at the highest level. Safe people make decisions based on the facts they have in the moment and are not afraid to ask questions.  

Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another. – Ephesians 4:25

Safe people speak the truth in love.

Mature people tell the truth with love. This isn’t the same as sugar-coating something or beating around the bush. It’s the ability to express feelings, needs, hurts, or frustrations in a way that doesn’t crush another person. 

Safe people are honest with themselves and others and consider their words carefully. They confront issues with a mindset of resolving or repairing. It’s not about being “nice” – nice often spares the truth (dishonest). It’s about being kind – kindness is considerate and polite, but honest. Healthy individuals are assertive and kind in their communication.

…speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ. – Ephesians 4:15

Have difficult conversations without name-calling, insulting, or dismissing.

Conflict is part of every relationship. Safe people do not attack another person’s character, name-call, throw insults, or dismiss someone’s concerns or feelings. 1 Corinthians 13:11 says When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. Calling someone names or insulting them is childlike immaturity. 

Unsafe people view hard conversations as adversarial, but safe people understand that hard conversations lead to deeper connections and welcome the chance to grow.

Safe People take responsibility for their own emotions/problems.

Emotionally safe people know their healing is their responsibility and don’t expect others to tip-toe around their unhealed wounds or the things that trigger them. Part of our personal and spiritual growth is accepting that life isn’t fair, and the wounds inflicted on us are ours to work through. 

Safe people don’t put their emotions or problems in the hands of others. Additionally, they don’t expect a spouse, child, parent, or friend to heal a wound they did or didn’t create. Emotionally safe individuals take personal responsibility for their emotions and their problems. They know that someone cannot make them feel any certain way without their permission and that their problems are their own to solve. They don’t blame a difficult childhood on their present-day anger issues. 

For each one will bear his own load. – Galatians 6:5

Do not try to “fix” people or give help that isn’t asked for.

Part of being an emotionally healthy adult is knowing that fixing people is above our paygrade. People in partnership with God work on themselves – this is part of personal responsibility. Unsafe people push others away by trying to force their “fix” on people without recognizing their own shortcomings. 

Safe people don’t push advice or help on those that don’t ask for it, and they expect the same of others. Asking for help and seeking wise counsel are the actions of emotionally intelligent and healthy individuals. Safe people know that listening with empathy and providing emotional validation is the proper response to a friend. And then, if invited, give advice, or provide help. 

And why worry about a speck in your friend’s eye when you have a log in your own? How can you think of saying to your friend, ‘Let me help you get rid of that speck in your eye,’ when you can’t see past the log in your own eye? Hypocrite! First get rid of the log in your own eye; then you will see well enough to deal with the speck in your friend’s eye. — Matthew 7:3-5 

Are not overly needy or clingy.

Needy or clingy people latch on to others without regard for personal space, autonomy, or boundaries. Those who struggle with separating themselves from others and being their own person are unsafe. No one can be someone’s everything – and healthy people don’t want that job. 

Safe people know that personal autonomy (self-sufficiency) and boundaries are what makes relationships work. In addition, there is a mutual respect for what each person brings to the relationship, and no one is expected to be the other persons sole source of friendship or human connection. Safe people know that personal space and alone time is necessary for everyone. 

Do you like honey? Don’t eat too much of it, or it will make you sick! Don’t visit your neighbor too often, or you will outwear your welcome! – Proverbs 25:16-17

Respect boundaries.

Boundaries are the decided upon actions that we take when faced with other people’s behavior. When someone speaks harshly to us and calls us names, boundaries are what we fall back on to walk away and preserve our emotional health. Unsafe people tend to disrespect boundaries by acting in ways that are unacceptable or harmful even though we’ve addressed the behavior and consequences ahead of time. 

Safe people set boundaries and when necessary, enact consequences. And because they have boundaries, they expect others to have boundaries. Regardless of whether a boundary is liked or disliked, safe people respect the boundaries of others and in turn, expect the same respect from others regarding their own boundaries. 

God set boundaries in the Garden of Eden when He told Adam to not eat from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil. Violating God’s boundary was spiritual death. 

God commanded the Man, “You can eat from any tree in the garden, except from the Tree-of-Knowledge-of-Good-and-Evil. Don’t eat from it. The moment you eat from that tree, you’re dead. – Genesis 2:17-18

Demonstrate God’s love.

Forgiving others, giving grace, displaying empathy, listening instead of fixing, and speaking words of encouragement are just a few ways that safe people demonstrate God’s love. Safe people know they are saved by grace, and they need a Savior. There is no need to wear a mask to be loveable because God loves them right now, as-is. And because He does, they strive to reflect that love to others. 

Safe people know when they’ve got some personal work to do. 

Don’t waste time condemning yourself. Get busy doing better. We are all a work-in-progress until the day God calls us home. If after reading this post, you’ve identified some unsafe people in your life, consider what boundaries you need to set and pray about conversations that need to happen. 

1:1 Coaching is available if you need help and encouragement.

This was a big year for my little book, and I couldn’t be more in awe of what God did in the lives of those who went through Unravel. 

As most people do at the end of every year, I’ve been reflecting on everything that God has done in and around me and counting my blessings, giving painful thanks for the hard stuff that helped me grow, and looking for God’s fingerprints on all 365 days of 2022. 

Forty-five women completed Unravel via a group this year! Hundreds bought the book and started their own Unravel journey. Friends, co-workers, and family members found out about Unravel from someone who experienced a profound life change from their unraveling. 

Lives were forever changed this year. 
Hearts were healed the year. 
Friendships were formed this year.
Burdens were left at the foot of the cross this year. 
Generational trauma was broken this year. 
Confidence was gained this year.
Boundaries were set this year.
Lies were trampled this year.
Truth was implanted this year. 
Relationships were restored this year.
Love, joy, and peace were found this year. 
Faulty ways of coping were replaced this year. 
New life-tools were learned this year. 
Laughter displaced tears this year. 
Suffering transformed into painful thanks this year. 
Purpose was pursued this year. 
Forgiveness was given and received this year.
God moved in the lives of His Chosen this year. 

One woman wrote this: 

I stumbled upon this book during a low time in my life about 5 months ago. During my time participating in the study and completing assigned homework I have noticed a huge shift in myself. 5 months ago, I was broken, insecure, and lost in my life and had no clue where my relationship with Christ stood. Presently, I am self-aware and have a positive outlook on my present and future. I owe my growth to this book and Melissa for taking the time to pour into me weekly during study group. I will forever be thankful and spread the word to purchase this book and participate in study group! ❤️

Unravel Participant

As I look back over 2022, I am so grateful for the women I’ve gotten to work with this year and for the beautiful friendships that God has blessed me with through those groups. Besides Texas, ladies from California, Florida, New York, and New Jersey participated in the first online Unravel group – who doesn’t like meeting people from other parts of the U.S.? 

This year has also brought additional blessings…

• Support and encouragement from Life Point Church and Alamo Community Church in San Antonio, Texas to launch Unravel groups. 
• Videography services to market Unravel from the talented, kind, and generous Mark Benavidez of Launchpad B Video Production Solutions.
• Space for my Tuesday Unravel group was graciously given to me by George Ramirez from Immersion Outfitters.  
• Over 4,000 followers on Facebook and IG – and growing! 

As I look ahead to 2023…

• I look forward to the launch of in-person and online Unravel groups in January.
• The reach of Unravel will be expanding into new places and corners of this world in the coming year. I look forward to sharing all about that in the coming months! God is moving!! 
• For those in the San Antonio, Texas area, there will be bi-monthly Saturday Unravel sessions at Alamo Community Church to learn, grow, and connect with fellow Unravel Alumni. 

If you are ready to Unravel your unhealed wounds and find joy, in-person and online Unravel groups start the week of January 16th. Invite a friend, a co-worker, or a family member to join a group!  Click the link to sign up –> Unravel Group Sign Up

The groups are free. All I ask is that you do the work and come to group regularly. 

If you or someone you know wants to begin working one-on-one with me,  I have openings for in-person and online 1:1 coaching.

It may not be your fault that you are stuck in life, but it is 100% your responsibility to get un-stuck.

Don’t let another day, week, or year go by surviving or simply existing. You were made for so much more and yes, you can change.

You can change your mindset, your life, and your circumstances for the better. The 45 women who went through Unravel in 2022 can testify that you can heal, thrive, and find your joy again.

Lastly, as I dream for 2023… 

I pray for men’s and women’s Unravel groups to pop up in churches, prisons, living rooms, and coffee shops all over the world and that lives would be profoundly changed for generations to come. Dream big, right? 

Here’s the thing about Unravel groups…

• You don’t need to be a coach or a counselor to lead an Unravel group… 
• Your life doesn’t need to be perfect… 
• You don’t have to have it all together all the time or have the answers to life’s problems… 
• You just need to be able to love, encourage, and listen to others… that’s it…

If you want to start a group or you’d like for your church or organization to start an Unravel group, contact me at melissa@melissalloyd.org or go to Start an Unravel Program.

Giving Thanks…

As I close, I want to say “thank you” to Kevin Flowers, Lead Pastor of Alamo Community Church and his incredible staff. Thank you for taking a chance on an unknown book and allowing me to serve the people of your church. If I’ve learned anything this year, it’s that no one has to do anything – so your willingness to open your door, respond to my messages, provide resources, and trust me with your flock is a gift. Your friendship and support are a blessing, and I am forever grateful. 

I will end this message with a quote I love from Craig Groeschel: We confess to God for forgiveness, we confess to people for healing. So true, right? Confessing to God and others is at the heart of healing. We need both. James 5:16 says Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.

Join an Unravel group or buy Unravel and commit to working through the book with a couple of trusted friends to confess what’s on your heart and talk about what’s holding you back and stealing your joy.

I pray that 2023 is a year of personal growth, freedom from what weighs you down, and a deeper relationship with the Father who loves you so very much. 

It’s easy to take the actions of others personally, but doing so is based on half truths, unhealed wounds, unmet expectations, and what another person believes about themselves based on their own story. The way we treat others, love others, show up for others, and think about others is based on what is going on within ourselves. The same is true for others.

Is this selfish? Yes. But it is true. The people in our story that treated us poorly, did so because of a war within themselves – you and I were just collateral damage. This doesn’t get them off the hook, but it does reflect the truth that their poor behavior does not make us unworthy of the love or help they should have given to us.

So What Do We Do?

It’s time to give people back the pain they caused and reclaim the truth of our worthiness of love, kindness, and human connection. It is important to stop asking or expecting these same people to show up in our stories in ways that run contrary to their past actions. This doesn’t make them bad people – it’s simply understanding and accepting where someone is in their journey at any given moment.

Knowing who to ask for help, love, and healthy connection is learning how to interact in a fallen world. We need to live by this principle: When people show you who they are, believe them the first time – Maya Angelou. Often we allow ourselves to be disappointed by a situation or a person repeatedly until we finally accept what has been shown to us over and over again. Unfortunately, our refusal to see what is right in front of us leaves us with an emotional mess to clean up. Proverbs 13:20 says, Walk with the wise and become wise, for a companion of fools suffers harm.

Recognizing our part in our own suffering is the pathway to healing.

The Bible tells us A perverse person stirs up conflict, and a gossip separates close friends (Proverbs 16:28). The next time you are in need of someone to share your heart with, someone to give you God-honoring advice, or someone to meet a need in your life – carefully consider who you ask and their track record in your life.

Here are 10 questions to consider before you share your heart with someone:

• Has this person been a good listener in the past or do they listen to fix?
• Has this person kept your conversations confidential?
• Has this person been reliable and dependable in your life?
• Has this person pointed you towards Jesus and/or the Bible?
• Has this person encouraged you or have they minimized your feelings?
• Has this person displayed empathy in the past?
• Has this person modeled in their own life the advice they give to others?
• Has this person been honest with you?
• Has this person built you up or tore you down for the way you think or feel?
• Has this person broken your trust in the past?

One who has unreliable friends soon comes to ruin…(Proverbs 18:24). Surrounding ourselves and asking the right people for what we need is one of the keys to living in peace and finding joy in our lives. God will place people in our lives to act as helpers and, in turn, we are placed in people’s lives to be their helpers.

God’s Truth

It’s easy to allow our hearts to be saturated with the harsh words or hurtful actions of others causing us to question our value. Let me leave you with this nugget of truth: Your value doesn’t change just because someone fails to see it or respond to it. Your value was decided before the formation of the world and solidified on a cross long before you were ever born. You were worthy yesterday, you are worthy today, and you will be just as worthy tomorrow.

As adults, the damage caused by others is for us to work through – healing is 100% our responsibility. If you have hurts, habits, and hang-ups that need the healing hand of Jesus, join the growing group of men and women who are working through Unravel to work their pain, discover who they are, and live life abundantly. Unravel can be purchased on Amazon.

Have you ever felt like you should be doing something for God, but you didn’t know what it was? And the more you thought about it, the more you worried about doing what God wanted you to do, to the point that your overthinking led to feeling stuck. You want to serve God, but you aren’t sure what He wants you to do. You want to be obedient, but you fear making a mistake. You want to live a life of purpose and meaning, but you aren’t sure what that is.

More than anything, you desire a life of meaning, but you are afraid that you will somehow stumble onto the wrong path and end up lost. You want to hear from God, but you second-guess every thought that trots through your mind. If so, we can be friends because I’ve been in this place more than a few times. In fact, I’ve given this condition a name: purpose paralysis. 

Purpose paralysis is Satan’s handiwork.

Confusion is one of the weapons in his arsenal. When we get confused, we overthink, and then we tend to get stuck. And when we are stuck, we tend to do nothing – paralysis. Satan’s favorite Christian is a paralyzed one that doesn’t move because that Christian is ineffective.   

What I’ve come to realize is that this condition has a simple solution – and here it is: MOVE. The Israelites learned this lesson as they were leaving Egypt with Moses. With the Egyptians behind them and the Red Sea in front of them, the Israelites had to decide what they were going to do. God told Moses to high tail it to the Red Sea, raise his staff, and wait for Him to take care of the path ahead of them. Even with all that God had done to free them, the Israelites got stuck in their fear and overthinking. When Moses sees this, he prays to God. Do you remember what God said? He simply said, MOVE. 

Moving is our answer to finding our purpose too.

The purpose of every Christian is to tell people about Jesus and love our neighbor. If nothing else, acting on that purpose is always right. You and I have a more specific purpose that God has hidden away in our hearts, but until that purpose is revealed, you cannot go wrong with finding ways to love your neighbor and sharing the gospel. In fact, those two things may be your only purpose for the season you find yourself in right now. 

As we grow in our faith, our purpose can evolve or change completely and it’s our job to go with God’s flow. Recently, God reminded me that our lives are made up of many seasons (Ecclesiastes 3:1-8) and letting go of one season is the only way to usher in the next season and its assignment. This can be scary because old seasons are familiar and new seasons are unknown, but our surrender to Christ depends on our obedience to move when God says to move – even if we don’t know what we are moving into. 

So, how can we serve God in the seasons where our unique purpose isn’t clear, or we are transitioning from one season to the next? The bible tells us that we have a responsibility to care for the poor (Proverbs 21:13), the oppressed (Psalm 82:3-4), the fatherless (Psalm 82:3-4), the orphans (Psalm 82:3-4), widows (James 1:27), and our brothers and sisters in Christ (Galatians 6:10). That leaves a lot of room to serve! 

The size of the service is irrelevant to God, as is (Luke 16:10), the action being seen or acknowledged by another person (Matthew 6:3). Movement is what matters. 

20 Ideas to Live with Purpose and Serve People:

• Take a meal to someone going through a difficult time 
• Get together with 2 or 3 people and do a Bible study together 
• Organize a service project at your church or with other believers 
• Partner with an organization that provides for children
• Serve at a soup kitchen
• Smile at people, hold the door open, be friendly to strangers
• Include the new person at work, school, church, etc. in lunch or something else 
• Organize a Saturday women’s or men’s event centered around spiritual or personal growth 
• Volunteer at a senior center and chat with an elderly person that needs a conversation 
• Work with a homeless shelter to collect necessities 
• Start a blog and write about what’s on your heart to help others
• Get together with a group of men or women and do a book study 
• Be a social media encourager and share Jesus
• Volunteer for nursery duty, kids’ ministry, or the youth ministry at your church
• Hang out with a kid that doesn’t have a dad in his life 
• Bring groceries or gift cards to a family in need 
• Mow the lawn of an elderly neighbor
• If you are handy, volunteer to fix things around the house for a single mom 
• Take someone out for lunch and show genuine interest in their life
• Pray for people

Whatever

Matthew 25:40 reminds us, “And the King will answer them, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’ Whatever is broad and leaves us a lot of room to serve others. So, don’t overthink. You and I can’t mess this up. Be awake and aware throughout the day for opportunities to serve or love on people. 

If you have ideas of ways to serve and love on people, please share them! Leave a comment below, on Facebook, or Instagram. I’d love to hear from you!

P.S. Are you ready to deal with the pain of the past and grow into the disciple God created you to be? Check out my new book Unravel and get started today.