Apart from Jesus, no one gets out of this world without their self-worth taking a beating from time-to-time. The American Psychological Association defines self-worth as “an individual’s evaluation of himself or herself as a valuable, capable human being deserving of respect and consideration”. For most of us our self-worth and confidence take a pounding when someone close to us intentionally or unintentionally hurts us. 

What I want to teach you today is how to separate another person’s hurtful actions from your worth & value. The painful events of our lives often get assigned negative meaning related to our self-worth. This person did “x” and that means I am “y”.

For example, you are trying to talk to your mom about something important to you. As you talk, she continues scrolling on her phone like she’s done a bazillion times before. But this time, you are hurt and a white-hot rage courses through your veins, and you think to yourself: She always looks at her phone when I am talking to her!!! The rage says, “what I am saying must not be that important to her!” The hurt says, “I must not be that important”. 

We tend to do self-worth math with a faulty equation that looks like this:

Their Actions/Inactions + Their Choices + Their Words = My Self Worth/Value

Assigning negative meaning to the actions of others causes us pain and anger and damages our confidence. 

Left unchecked and allowed to linger that anger morphs into resentment. And now, when we recall that painful event, anger shows up with his buddy helplessness to make sure we are miserable. As we replay every sordid detail of the painful event for the umpteenth time, we feel rage, injustice, and a wave of anxiety (helplessness). Anxiety wants us to live on high alert that what happened before could happen again. And around and around we go on the merry-go-round from hell. James 1:8 says, a double-minded man is unstable in all his ways. 

Separate your worth/value as a person from what’s been done to you or what’s happening now. People act based on who they are, not who you are. We always have a choice in how we behave no matter what’s happened to us or what we’ve been through. 

So, what do we do to improve our confidence?

First, start with taking responsibility for your life and only your life. This means you are accountable for what YOU do, say, think, feel, and decide. You are not responsible for the actions of others. On your best day you don’t have control over what someone else is going to do or say.

Second, and most important, change the narrative of the painful events of your life. Stop assigning a negative or shame-filled meaning to the actions of others that tears you down. These are almost always an assumption and nearly all assumptions are wrong. 

When we assign negative meaning to the actions of others it’s always based on assumption and it only leads to stress, chaos, and hurt. 

Lastly, quit carrying around other people’s mess and looking for ways to make that mess make sense or mean something about you. Spoiler alert: it will never make complete sense and you’ll waste your life and maybe go a little insane trying to understand why the square peg won’t fit in the round hole. 

Here’s the truth: The behavior of others is a glimpse of what’s going on within them and their inability or unwillingness to do anything about it. This doesn’t make them bad or evil per se. It makes them a human with free will. (A list of side effects or a warning label on people would be helpful though, right?)  

Let’s apply what we’ve learned using the It’s Not Personal Tool…

Back in the 1950’s, Albert Ellis the man credited with Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, pushed back on  the widely held theory that people’s actions, or what’s been done to us, causes our feelings. Ellis believed that what makes us mad, sad, or happy is based on what we think about what happened to us. Put another way: what we think or tell ourselves about a person or event dictates what we feel, not the actual event. Thoughts lead to feelings. Ellis developed a process called the ABCD format to help people view life events differently by changing the narrative which, in turn, helped people change how they felt. 

I’ve adapted his process and broken it down into smaller chunks. Keep in mind that working through these steps still requires you to address issues, set boundaries, make amends, or accept responsibility. The It’s Not Personal Tool is for you to process your emotions and separate another person’s behavior from your self-worth and deal with your emotions in a healthier way. 

In the scenario below, a breakdown in communication has occurred between you and your husband. The incident was a few days ago, but you are still frustrated by what happened and see it as a personal attack and a sign he doesn’t care about you or respect you. (Note: I broke this situation down into micro-steps to help you see the It’s Not Personal Tool in action.)

State the event without judgement or emotion  — just the facts. (Luke 1:3)

My husband was angry the night before. When we got up the next morning, he was still angry, so I tried to talk to him about it. He wouldn’t talk to me and then left for work. 

What feelings am I experiencing? (Proverbs 15:14)

Frustration. Anger. Anxiety. Stress. Confusion. Helplessness. Powerlessness.

What do I believe about this event? – about myself, the other person, and/or the situation? (Galatians 5:9)

About myself:

• I am insignificant, unimportant, & unsafe. 
• My husband doesn’t respect me enough to talk to me.
• I don’t know why he’s upset, but it’s probably my fault.

About the situation:

• I should have swept the issue under the rug to maintain the peace.

About the other person:

• I am sick of his childish behavior and inability to communicate like an adult!
• We don’t ever resolve anything! 
• How long will he not talk to me?   

Why am I believing this? (Proverbs 3:5)

• I am hurt and scared that he might abandon me. 
• He has blamed me in the past for his moods. 
• I feel powerless to stop this pattern of behavior.

What else could be true about this situation? (Proverbs 28:26)

• My husband felt overwhelmed and didn’t know how to deal with his feelings, so he shut down.
• My husband felt threatened by my attempt to talk to him.
• My husband could be upset about something at work or upset with someone else.
• My husband was triggered by a past event that had nothing to do with me but caused him to respond the way he did.

How can I reframe this event? (1 Peter 3:8)

• My desire to talk about what was bothering my spouse was not crazy or out of line.
• His unwillingness to talk to me had nothing to do with me or my significance or importance as a person. 
• I did the right and loving thing by wanting to talk and resolve the issue.
•  I cannot control how he chooses to see my attempts to talk. 
• My husband was struggling with difficult emotions and didn’t know how to communicate them with me – it’s not personal. 
• I need to work on my approach and my fear of being abandoned so that my perceived fears don’t make a difficult situation worse.

Now, what feelings am I experiencing? (Proverbs 16:32)

Calm(er). Empathy for my husband. Self-control. Less hurt and sad. Peace.

What could I have done differently/ better in this situation? (Psalm 32:8)

• I could have asked once what was bothering him and then left it alone. 
• The incident made me feel anxious and my continuing to initiate conversation left me hurt. 
• I played a part in my own suffering by assuming I’d done something wrong and not walking away sooner to protect my peace.
• I could have picked a different time that allowed us more time to talk. 

What do I need to do to move forward? (Proverbs 4:25)

• Forgive my husband and pray for him. 
• Set a boundary: when my husband withdraws, I will ask once if he’d like to talk about what is bothering him and after that leave him alone to work out his feelings on his own. 
• Going forward, I will not assume that I’ve done something wrong and torment myself trying to figure out what it is. If I’ve done something to upset him, it’s his responsibility to tell me and discuss it. 
• I will remind myself that his feelings are his to work out and not my responsibility to resolve.

Using the It’s Not Personal Tool helps you to see a situation from a different angle. The exercise began with taking responsibility for your spouses’ actions, giving meaning to those actions that tore you down, and you feeling powerless over his lack of communication. But it ended with you giving his behavior back to him with empathy and compassion. The fear, anger, and shame that was felt was replaced with truth, empathy, and establishing a boundary should the incident repeat itself in the future giving you peace and a sese of calmness.

REMEMBER:

A person’s actions can ONLY reflect who they are — they can never reflect who you are.

Let’s wrap it up…

You are worthy because you are God’s child and simply because you exist. God created you on purpose for a purpose – that means you have value. In fact, even the hairs on your head are all numbered. Do not be afraid; you are more valuable than many sparrows. – Luke 12:7

Stay in your lane. Be you. Work on you. Take responsibility for you. Resentment and the feeling of helplessness that makes you feel stuck will subside when you take A-C-T-I-O-N to change your life. 

Remember:

• Changing how you think about painful events will improve your self-worth and help you resolve your emotions — and slowly-but-surely bring joy and peace back into your life. 
• Assumptions are almost always wrong. Stop treating them like they are truth. 
• Anger will pass quickly when you stop taking people’s behavior personally and act based on your boundaries and the person you choose to be. 
• Your thoughts determine your feelings. Change your thoughts, change your feelings. 

I hope this helps! Click here to download a free PDF of the It’s Not Personal Tool.

God takes boundaries very seriously and has so since the beginning. Adam and Eve were given the entire garden of Eden to enjoy except the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil (Genesis 2:17) – God set a boundary. And like a lot of people, Adam and Eve blew right past that boundary and violated it. How did God respond to this violation? With consequences – the main being that they lost access to the lush, beautiful, perfect Garden of Eden. God set a boundary with Adam and Eve to preserve His relationship with them and He expects us to do the same. 

Boundaries preserve our freedom and are how we guard our hearts (Proverbs 4:23). We are commanded to guard OUR hearts – not other people’s hearts – ours. And why? Because our hearts dictate what we do. God wants us to love one another (John 13:34), love Him (Deuteronomy 6:5), and remain in the freedom that Jesus died on the cross for (John 10:10).  Our hearts are part of our soul and souls can get polluted by the fallen world we live in. Proverbs 4:23 says: 

Above ALL else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.

Boundaries are how we guard our hearts. Our “doing” is either influenced by a polluted soul or one that is carefully guarded or protected from the unhealthy, toxic, dysfunctional, and sinfulness of this world and the people that inhabit it. Boundaries allow us to decide what we will and won’t tolerate, how we’ll live our lives, who and what we’ll allow to influence us, and what we’ll let into our soul.

Boundaries are about SELF-control – not other control. They are not about changing other people. They are about how you will react in certain situations and what you will allow to influence you. Boundaries aren’t about telling other people how to live their lives. They are about deciding HOW YOU WILL LIVE YOUR LIFE. 

Boundaries are also about access to you based on the level of responsibility displayed by others. Life without boundaries is chaos. To avoid or minimize chaos we must grant people access to us based on how responsible they’ve been towards us. People who have patterns of hurtful behavior (unreliable, emotional instability, poor communication, unresolved conflict, invalidating emotions, lying, cheating, broken promises, name-calling, abuse, etc.) are irresponsible. Their level of access to you should be lower than someone who has acted responsibly (loving, kind, dependable, communicates well, trustworthy, honest, good listener, etc.) towards you. 

Irresponsible people might want level ten access (the highest) to you, but they consistently function at a level three. Expect them to fuss and fight about their limited access but stay the course. Because when we give people full access to us that haven’t earned it, we end up hurt, disappointed, and cleaning up a mess in our lives that we allowed them to make. Boundaries are how we stop cleaning up the messes other people make in our lives and freeing ourselves from unnecessary grief and pain. And this is how we guard our hearts. 

Adam and Eve had full access to God in the Garden of Eden – until they violated God’s boundary, and He downgraded their access to match their level of responsibility. Lysa TurKeurst says this, “In Genesis we see that Adam and Eve were given one boundary. By the time we read through the Law and the Prophets we find hundreds of boundaries that God put in place for us “stiff-necked” people (Exodus 32:9, Deuteronomy 9:6; 2 Kings 17:14; 2 Chronicles 30:8; Nehemiah 9:16). God has boundaries and He takes violations seriously. Remember, God won’t tolerate sin (Habbakuk 1:3). Sin separates (Isaiah 59:1-2).

Just like God setting the boundary with Adam and Eve in the garden to preserve His relationship with them, our boundaries are about preserving our relationships with others and ourselves. 

Oftentimes, our anger, rage, resentment, bitterness, and the things we complain about repeatedly are KEY indicators of where we need to implement boundaries. If you aren’t sure where to start with boundaries, start with what is frustrating you right now about yourself or one of your relationships. 

Let’s get honest… real honest… God already knows everything going on with you so there’s no reason to hide anything. What we won’t acknowledge to Him, He won’t heal — because He will not trample YOUR boundaries or freewill to get to whatever you are hellbent (literally) on keeping from Him.

Here’s a few questions to help you determine where you might need to set a boundary:

#1

How are you failing to guard your heart right now?  How are you polluting your soul? Are you putting up with hurtful or toxic behavior? Are you people-pleasing? Conflict avoiding? Stuffing your emotions? Faking fine? Ignoring red flags? Hanging on to relationships you know are not good for you out of fear of being alone? Are you listening to the lies of the enemy that say you are not good enough? Are you dragging around old mistakes and beating yourself up? 

#2

What relationship in your life is the most difficult or painful right now? Parent? Friend? Spouse? Child? Boss? Coworker? Specifically, in what ways is it hurting you? Is there a pattern of behavior that is being repeated? Poor communication? Lack of conflict resolution? Lying? Cheating? Abuse? 

You have no control over the other person – only YOU.

#3

What behaviors can YOU stop participating in or doing that are hurting you and dragging you deeper into anger and hopelessness? (For example: stop yelling or name-calling OR when someone else yells or name-calls, decide that you will calmly leave the room instead of listening to hurtful words and allowing yourself to be wounded.) 

Don’t look now, but you just set your boundaries!  A lot of boundaries don’t have to be discussed with other people because boundaries are about deciding ahead of time how YOU will react when someone or something goes sideways. 

Boundaries protect your heart and emotions so that you don’t have to spend time healing from the hurtful things other people do and the mistakes that you typically make that turn into regrets. When we set boundaries, we head trouble off at the pass so that evil can’t catch us. Much of what we spend our adult lives healing from would have never existed if we had boundaries in place because we wouldn’t have allowed evil to harm us in the first place. At the first sign of trouble, we’d have said no! and walked away. Boundaries are God’s idea and because they are His idea, they are 100% good. 

Do you need help figuring out what boundaries you need to set in your life? I can help with that!

My ebook “Respecting Your Limits: The Boundary Building Workbook” is everything you need to understand, set, and uphold boundaries to change you, your relationships, & your life. The ebook is 120 pages packed full of content to transform your life. There are step-by-step instructions on how to set and enforce boundaries — no guess work. I will walk you through the whole process! You’ll also figure out why boundaries have been hard for you to set and learn to say “no” without feeling guilty.

And if you know that you need 1:1 support, encouragement, accountability, and instruction let’s work together!

Do you avoid making a decision? If over-thinking and feeling stuck in life were an Olympic sport, most of us would be gold medalists. Some even argue that their procrastination is wisdom and discernment in disguise on the off chance that something falls into place for them. But living this way isn’t being a good steward of the life God has given to us and doesn’t produce a fulfilling life. Staying stuck in a cycle of overthinking and living without intentionality keeps us anxious, depressed, restless, and disappointed (usually with ourselves). 

If we’ve been judged harshly, criticized, or heard “I told you so” by people close to us for our mistakes, we get decision phobic. Fear comes up with a thousand what ifs, shame says we’re failures, anger gets worked up thinking about the potential criticism, and guilt dumps a full ladle of “disappointing others” gravy on the mix. 

But decision making is part of life. It’s a requirement. 

And whatever you DO, in word or in deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him. – Colossians 3:17

In the original Greek, do is a verb and means: to act, cause, or make. 

And whatever you DO – requires our ACTION.

You know you need to make a change in your life, start or stop a habit, or make a decision (large or small), but your emotions start weighing in at the very thought of making a move in your life. So, how do we get unstuck? We take A.C.T.I.O.N.

A – Assess Your Emotions

Action requires that we assess our emotions and see what they are trying to tell us. Ignoring them does.not.work.

What’s important to understand is that our brain’s primary purpose is to protect us and ensure our survival. To do that, our brain takes in all the information we are feeding it and processes that information through the filter of our past to protect us from repeat pain, disappointment, or some other difficult emotion. This is why we get stuck. If a decision has the possibility of “danger”, our brain hits the breaks and puts us in “park” to ward off the perceived danger.

Understanding what our brain is trying to do helps us to understand that not all our emotions or thoughts about a situation are 100% true or rational. Typically, we function like our emotions and feelings are absolute truth and that’s what gets us into trouble. 

The primary emotions we experience are (definitions taken from Unravel ):

• Fear: A belief that something, perceived or real, is a threat to anything you care about. 
• Worry: Dwelling on negative thoughts, uncertainty, or things that could go wrong related to real threats. Example: I lost my job (what could go wrong). How will I pay the rent (real threat)? 
• Stress: A reaction to change or expectations that exceed an individual’s resources. Example: My boss just gave me a 10-page report to review in 1 hour. (Last minute request with what seems like an unrealistic time time).
• Anxiety: A combination of worry + stress to a perceived threat. Example: your mind races about what traffic might be like and the possibility of bad drivers on the way to work (perceived threats). 
• Appropriate Guilt: the voice of your conscience helping you realize that you have stepped over the line of right and wrong and your morality, values, and standards. 
• Inappropriate Guilt: the feeling of guilt based on the actions of others, the feelings of others, or situations outside of your control. Examples: being blamed for someone else’s emotional reaction or their decisions, calling in sick, taking any time for yourself, saying “no” to other people’s requests, feeling angry when someone has hurt or wronged you.
• Anger: an emotional response that arises (in the moment) when unexpected things happen to you, around you, or within you that you don’t like or that defy your sense of justice. 
• Pride: a heart attitude expressed in an unhealthy, exaggerated attention to self and either an elevated (egotistical) or diminished (insecurity) view of one’s abilities, accomplishments, position, or possessions. Either way, the focus is most often on you. 
• Shame: An identity crisis caused by an overpowering belief that one is fundamentally flawed and therefore uniquely unworthy of belonging, connection, approval, or equality in a relationship. It typically starts out with I am and is followed by a word or phrase that tears you down. It is the overall feeling of not being good enough. Example: I am stupid. I am a bad mom. I am a failure. I am weak.

Take note of the feelings you are experiencing and what they are saying. Don’t judge or overthink them. I recommend writing them all down. 

Ask yourself this question:

What specifically do I feel anxious about? Worried about? Stressed about? Guilty about? Angry about? Prideful about? In what ways do I not feel good enough?

C ­– Challenge Limiting Beliefs

Now that you’ve identified your emotions and feelings, it’s time to challenge the lies that are holding you back or limiting you. Maybe your inner critic is telling you that nothing will change for you, you are a failure. To challenge these lies, you need to take those thoughts captive and push back on them. It might sound something like this, “I have failed a few times, but that doesn’t make me a failure or incapable of changing. Everyone fails before they succeed. Healthy, normal people fail, and they continually grow and change.”  

Next, for each of the shame (not good enough) statements that you wrote down, challenge those lies with the truth. If need be (and I highly recommend), challenge those messages with evidence from your life that refutes the lie. For example, come up with 1-2 examples of times when you succeeded. It might sound like, “I got that promotion last year at work or I paid off my credit card.”  Whatever we look for in life, we’ll find so look for the truth. 

T – Trust God

Much of what keeps us stuck in indecision is our fear of messing up and making life worse. As Christians we want to do what God wants us to do – and that’s a good thing – until it paralyzes us. Ideally, we’d like for God to drop an opportunity in our lap, or we’d like clear, undisputable communication from God that we should do “x” and so we stay put until we get crystal clear direction. But really, we are using God as an excuse to not push past the fear and move.

Trusting God is about not knowing with absolute certainty what will happen, but that He is in control and will never leave us or forsake us (Deuteronomy 31:8). This is what gives us the freedom to move. If we move in a direction that isn’t the right one, we trust that He will redirect us. Faith in God being good means that He is always watching out for and protecting us regardless of our goodness or faithfulness – because that’s who He is. And because our faith requires us to rely on God, we learn to be ok with Him revealing the next step with each step we take (Philippians 2:13). The revelation we desire is predicated on our moving and trusting that He will open and close doors at just the right time.  

Trusting God is about our willingness to pray (James 1:5), seek wise council from 1-2 trusted people (Proverbs 12:15), reading scripture to hear from God (Psalm 119:105), and then moving forward with what we know and to the best of our ability (2 Corinthians 5:7). 

I – Identify Your Wants/Needs/Goals/Values

You are the only one that can identify and communicate what you want and need. If you haven’t thought about that in a while or maybe ever, it’s time to put pen to paper and ask yourself these questions:

What do I…?

• want in life or in a certain situation?
• need emotionally, spiritually, physically, mentally right now?
• hope to have accomplished?

Who do I…?

• want to be – not just known as – but actually be?

What are my…?

• core values?
• priorities? Do my actions reflect those priorities? 
• strengths, skills, and talents? Am I fully using them?
• life and personal goals?

Taking action requires that we know who we are, what we need/want, what is important to us, and have a clear picture of what success means to us. Needs, wants, values, and goals are not random – they are God planted. The decisions we make should align with who God created us to be and the purpose He’s placed in our heart.

O – Opportunity & Obstacles

Every decision we make comes with positive or negative consequences. Said another way, there’s an upside and a downside to all our decisions. The upside to taking that new job is the bump in pay and the downside to taking that new job is not seeing your work bestie every day. 

As you contemplate a decision, consider the opportunities (the positive consequences) and the obstacles (the negative consequences). You can use a pros and cons list to get a visual on the opportunities and obstacles this decision will bring. Remember to consider your goals, values, wants, and needs as you make your list. Be realistic with your list. Do your research to limit assumptions. It’s important to realize that some pros and cons weigh more than others too. 

N – Next Right Move

Now it’s time to make the next right move. It’s not about boiling the ocean on day one. Dipping your toe in the water is the next right move. Small movement is still movement. Let’s say you’ve decided to stop consuming sugar. Boiling the ocean would be to cut off all sugar cold turkey. Dipping your toe in the water might be cutting back on sugary drinks for a period and then removing sugary snacks from the pantry and then removing other sugars you know you are consuming – little by little. 

What’s the next right move for you? You don’t have to have it all figured out. You just need to know the next right move based on the information you’ve gathered in the previous steps. If the move doesn’t work out like you thought it would, gather information from the mistake and move again. Failure is simply the opportunity to begin again, this time more intelligently. – Henry Ford 

Wrapping Up…

God will not ask us what our spouse, our kids, or our parents did with their life. He will ask us what we did with ours. We are accountable for how we spend our days. He expects us to work and use every bit of the talents, gifts, and abilities He’s given us. It’s time to take A.C.T.I.O.N. and start making some moves. 

I hope this helps! If you need some 1:1 coaching help to identify why you struggle with making decisions, or to prioritize your list of lingering decisions and come up with an A.C.T.I.O.N. plan, let me know —> COACHING.

Emotionally safe people build trust in relationships. Safe people are committed to their own personal growth, dealing with their unhealed wounds, meeting their unmet needs, and partnering with Jesus to become more like Him with each passing day.

Safe people build trust. Unsafe people break trust. 

At one point or another, we’ve all been an unsafe person, or we’ve developed some emotionally unsafe habits that need to be broken. Keep in mind that the only control we have is over ourselves. We must allow God to work in our lives and trust Him to work in the lives of others. Striving to be the best version of ourselves is life-long work. 

No one can fix what they don’t know is broken. Are you an emotionally safe person? 

Emotionally Safe People…

Offer empathy and validate emotions.

Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of others. It’s the ability to put yourself in someone else’s shoes and see a situation from their perspective. Empathy doesn’t require that we agree with how someone thinks or feels. It just means that we can understand their feelings because we have experienced the same or similar feelings at one time or another. 

Validating emotions is the act of seeking to understand how another person feels without dismissing, judging, or trying to talk someone out of their emotional response. Neither require that both people agree with how someone thinks or feels, but healthy people can acknowledge someone’s perspective and feelings without feeling threatened by them. 

Jesus empathizes with us – Hebrews 4:15 says Jesus understands every weakness of ours, because he was tempted in every way that we are. But he did not sin!

Safe People do not judge, pressure, or manipulate.

Emotionally safe people don’t judge others because they know they are just as flawed as the next person. Judging another person comes from a place of feeling inferior, insecure, and not good enough. We tend to judge people in the areas of our lives that we feel the most insecure about. 

Pressuring or pushing people is the act of trying to get another person to do what you want. Those that pressure others tend to not accept when someone says “no” or sets a boundary. People that use pressure to get someone to do what they want are unsafe and often create anxiety, resentment, and disconnection. 

Manipulation is another tactic used by emotionally unsafe people to get what they want. Often this is done through instilling fear, outbursts of anger, invoking pity, playing on someone’s weaknesses, using appropriate or inappropriate guilt to coerce, or using things shared as a weapon when it’s convenient. 

See that no one leads you astray. – Matthew 24:4

Ask questions to further understanding.

Safe people ask questions rather than make assumptions because they know that assumptions are falsehoods— wrong ideas. Assumptions are the lowest level of communication and are often the devil’s playground because they tend to cause hurt and conflict. Asking questions and seeking clarity ensures that we are communicating at the highest level. Safe people make decisions based on the facts they have in the moment and are not afraid to ask questions.  

Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another. – Ephesians 4:25

Safe people speak the truth in love.

Mature people tell the truth with love. This isn’t the same as sugar-coating something or beating around the bush. It’s the ability to express feelings, needs, hurts, or frustrations in a way that doesn’t crush another person. 

Safe people are honest with themselves and others and consider their words carefully. They confront issues with a mindset of resolving or repairing. It’s not about being “nice” – nice often spares the truth (dishonest). It’s about being kind – kindness is considerate and polite, but honest. Healthy individuals are assertive and kind in their communication.

…speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ. – Ephesians 4:15

Have difficult conversations without name-calling, insulting, or dismissing.

Conflict is part of every relationship. Safe people do not attack another person’s character, name-call, throw insults, or dismiss someone’s concerns or feelings. 1 Corinthians 13:11 says When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. Calling someone names or insulting them is childlike immaturity. 

Unsafe people view hard conversations as adversarial, but safe people understand that hard conversations lead to deeper connections and welcome the chance to grow.

Safe People take responsibility for their own emotions/problems.

Emotionally safe people know their healing is their responsibility and don’t expect others to tip-toe around their unhealed wounds or the things that trigger them. Part of our personal and spiritual growth is accepting that life isn’t fair, and the wounds inflicted on us are ours to work through. 

Safe people don’t put their emotions or problems in the hands of others. Additionally, they don’t expect a spouse, child, parent, or friend to heal a wound they did or didn’t create. Emotionally safe individuals take personal responsibility for their emotions and their problems. They know that someone cannot make them feel any certain way without their permission and that their problems are their own to solve. They don’t blame a difficult childhood on their present-day anger issues. 

For each one will bear his own load. – Galatians 6:5

Do not try to “fix” people or give help that isn’t asked for.

Part of being an emotionally healthy adult is knowing that fixing people is above our paygrade. People in partnership with God work on themselves – this is part of personal responsibility. Unsafe people push others away by trying to force their “fix” on people without recognizing their own shortcomings. 

Safe people don’t push advice or help on those that don’t ask for it, and they expect the same of others. Asking for help and seeking wise counsel are the actions of emotionally intelligent and healthy individuals. Safe people know that listening with empathy and providing emotional validation is the proper response to a friend. And then, if invited, give advice, or provide help. 

And why worry about a speck in your friend’s eye when you have a log in your own? How can you think of saying to your friend, ‘Let me help you get rid of that speck in your eye,’ when you can’t see past the log in your own eye? Hypocrite! First get rid of the log in your own eye; then you will see well enough to deal with the speck in your friend’s eye. — Matthew 7:3-5 

Are not overly needy or clingy.

Needy or clingy people latch on to others without regard for personal space, autonomy, or boundaries. Those who struggle with separating themselves from others and being their own person are unsafe. No one can be someone’s everything – and healthy people don’t want that job. 

Safe people know that personal autonomy (self-sufficiency) and boundaries are what makes relationships work. In addition, there is a mutual respect for what each person brings to the relationship, and no one is expected to be the other persons sole source of friendship or human connection. Safe people know that personal space and alone time is necessary for everyone. 

Do you like honey? Don’t eat too much of it, or it will make you sick! Don’t visit your neighbor too often, or you will outwear your welcome! – Proverbs 25:16-17

Respect boundaries.

Boundaries are the decided upon actions that we take when faced with other people’s behavior. When someone speaks harshly to us and calls us names, boundaries are what we fall back on to walk away and preserve our emotional health. Unsafe people tend to disrespect boundaries by acting in ways that are unacceptable or harmful even though we’ve addressed the behavior and consequences ahead of time. 

Safe people set boundaries and when necessary, enact consequences. And because they have boundaries, they expect others to have boundaries. Regardless of whether a boundary is liked or disliked, safe people respect the boundaries of others and in turn, expect the same respect from others regarding their own boundaries. 

God set boundaries in the Garden of Eden when He told Adam to not eat from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil. Violating God’s boundary was spiritual death. 

God commanded the Man, “You can eat from any tree in the garden, except from the Tree-of-Knowledge-of-Good-and-Evil. Don’t eat from it. The moment you eat from that tree, you’re dead. – Genesis 2:17-18

Demonstrate God’s love.

Forgiving others, giving grace, displaying empathy, listening instead of fixing, and speaking words of encouragement are just a few ways that safe people demonstrate God’s love. Safe people know they are saved by grace, and they need a Savior. There is no need to wear a mask to be loveable because God loves them right now, as-is. And because He does, they strive to reflect that love to others. 

Safe people know when they’ve got some personal work to do. 

Don’t waste time condemning yourself. Get busy doing better. We are all a work-in-progress until the day God calls us home. If after reading this post, you’ve identified some unsafe people in your life, consider what boundaries you need to set and pray about conversations that need to happen. 

1:1 Coaching is available if you need help and encouragement.

In my last blog post Unraveling Normal: Exposing the Dysfunctional Family, I identified the behaviors that dysfunctional families tend to view as normal. Today, I want to continue shining a light on the traits of the dysfunctional family by looking at the common themes surrounding communication amongst family members in dysfunctional families.

Communication will make or break any relationship – friendship, marriage, parent/child, sibling, coworker, etc. When people communicate well, relationships tend to thrive and grow. These relationships are often described as fulfilling and life-giving. On the other hand, when people communicate poorly, relationships shrivel and are described as exhausting, empty, and draining. 

Emotional Immaturity + Poor Communication Skills = Abuse

The chaos makers in dysfunctional families tend to lack emotional maturity and have poor communication skills. Emotional immaturity is an inability to handle one’s emotions using self-control leading to outbursts, fits of anger, or some other inappropriate response to a situation. Losing control of emotions and lacking good communication skills is a combination that often leads to verbal and emotional abuse. 

The book of Proverbs talks a lot about the importance of communication and the consequences of poor communication:

Words kill, words give life; they’re either poison or fruit—you choose. – Proverbs 18:21 MSG

Answering before listening is both stupid and rude. – Proverbs 18:13 MSG  

Fools care nothing for thoughtful discourse; all they do is run off at the mouth. – Proverbs 18:2 MSG

Rash language cuts and maims, but there is healing in the words of the wise. – Proverbs 12:18 MSG  

The more talk, the less truth; the wise measure their words. – Proverbs 10:19 MSG

Prayerful answers come from God-loyal people; the wicked are sewers of abuse. – Proverbs 15:28 MSG

A gentle response defuses anger, but a sharp tongue kindles a temper-fire. – Proverbs 15:1 MSG

A reoccurring theme of some dysfunctional family members is the feeling that physical abuse would have been preferential to the verbal and emotional abuse they repeatedly experienced. Bruises eventually heal. Careless and intentionally hurtful words left wounds that no one could see and were replayed in their minds long after they were spoken.  

Dysfunctional families tend to communicate in these ways:

Giving the silent treatment.

The silent treatment is the refusal to speak to someone. This type of communication is used to express anger at another person to punish, emotionally manipulate, or control them. Emotionally immature people use this tactic because it’s very effective in hurting another person. It’s emotional abuse and when used often it tends to keep a person “in line”. 

When used on children, they fall in line quickly to avoid being abandoned or rejected. Used on adults, this tactic can have the same effect, but it can go a step further and create a sense of crazy-making leaving the victim wondering what they’ve done wrong and if they are somehow a “bad” person. Most people who experience this form of “communication” quickly figure out what not to do to avoid receiving this treatment. 

Trying to resolve an issue or figure out what is going on is impossible because the silent person acts like the other person doesn’t even exist. This can last days, weeks, months, or even years. 

Blaming the victim.

The chaos makers in dysfunctional families may act poorly by making hurtful comments, breaking promises, or getting violent. If they are called out for their bad behavior, they will turn the situation around by twisting the facts and blaming the victim. If the victim wouldn’t have done “x”, they wouldn’t have yelled at them and called them fat and lazy. 

Sexual assault victims are sometimes blamed for what happened to them because of what they are wearing or where they were at when the assault occurred. Within the context of family, victim blaming can happen when one parent blames a child for another parent’s poor behavior or abuse. If the child would just behave like the abusive parent wants, then the abusive parent wouldn’t lose control.

Soothing the abuser.

To diffuse a possible outburst, family members will try to soothe the abuser. This might be done through distraction or over-the-top appeasement to dial down the anger and avoid an incident. Family members will go out of their way to diffuse and then redirect a possible threatening situation. 

Humor when things should be serious.

Making light of serious situations comes from a place of fear. Fear of feeling difficult emotions, vulnerability, or facing consequences are the usual culprits. Emotionally immature individuals minimize people’s emotions and situations to escape personal responsibility or discomfort. Feeling mocked and misunderstood in a moment of serious emotion cuts off connection, breaks trust, and breeches safety. Communicating in this way is emotionally abusive and cruel. 

Ignoring or not talking about issues.

Denying there are issues is an unwillingness to communicate. This happens when one person confronts another person about an issue and that person refuses to talk about it or denies it even exists. They might say “I don’t know what you are talking about” or “that’s not a big deal” or “you’re making this bigger than it is.” 

Long-term issues that have existed for years are often swept under the rug because previous conversations have gone nowhere. And when that happens, family members accept the way things are – toxic or not – and act like the issue doesn’t exist. Essentially, they give up. Untreated mental health issues, problems with alcohol or drugs, or anger issues are examples of problems that get ignored.  

Interrupting.

Interrupting when others are talking and not allowing them to finish their thoughts ensures that nothing ever gets solved. This makes people feel unheard and sometimes bullied. And when everyone is interrupting each other, you can be sure that no one is listening to understand. Frequent interruptions disrupt a person’s train of thought and can get them off balance. Being heard and understood within the context of family seems like it should be easy, but sometimes those closest to us are committed to misunderstanding us to preserve their ego or escape personal responsibility.

Often, the more interruptions the louder the voices get because everyone is frustrated and talking over each other. Waiting for people to finish what they are saying requires self-control and this is usually lacking in dysfunctional families. 

Downplaying or making excuses for poor behavior.

When poor behavior is discussed within the family, it’s common for enablers, people-pleasers, and codependents to make excuses for the offender. This might sound like “Your dad is tired. That’s why he yelled at you.” Using a bad childhood, stressful job, untreated mental health issues, or poor physical health are common excuses. 

Downplaying a person’s experience happens when they are told that an incident “wasn’t that bad” or “it could have been worse” or “that happens in every family” or “when I was your age, I had it worse.” When this happens, people feel dismissed and marginalized. Taken too far, and downplaying can turn into gaslighting. Downplaying can be an attempt to alter reality and confuse people’s emotions. 

Manipulating with guilt.

Using guilt to manipulate another person comes in the form of little comments that are made to get someone to do what you want them to do. Usually it sounds something like “if you loved me, you’d….” or “I’ll be heartbroken if you don’t come for dinner” or “I guess I don’t mean that much to you.” Those that use guilt to control others or get what they want, communicate this way when they feel like they aren’t going to get what they want, or they feel like they are losing an argument. This form of communication leads to a feeling of obligation and resentment and will continue until boundaries are set. 

Sarcastic remarks.

Sarcasm is the cutting remarks made that are hidden behind humor. They are thinly veiled meanness directed at someone to hurt them. When called out, the receiver of those remarks is chastised for “not being able to take a joke”. These types of remarks are a cowardly way of expressing a person’s thoughts or emotions. For the receiver, the sarcastic remarks cut like a knife and come in the form of “humor.” This type of communication is indirect, childish, immature, and can be cruel. 

Blunt remarks (telling it like it is).

Blunt remarks are words said without any tact or kindness. People who are blunt don’t care about someone else’s feelings or have any sense of politeness. Put another way – they have no filter. Those who are blunt might say something like “that color looks terrible on you” or “your last painting was awful.” Blunt people see themselves as being honest but fail to realize that their sharp tongue is deeply wounding at times. Honesty is always good, but people who are blunt are often considered rude and purposely hurtful. 

Making assumptions.

Making assumptions on what another person is thinking and then communicating those assumptions to that person is toxic. Instead of asking clarifying questions, dysfunctional family communication dictates that assumption is fact. But assuming what another person is feeling, thinking, or needing leads to misunderstanding and what feels like a character attack because assumptions usually lean toward the negative rather than the positive. 

Those that make assumptions do so with little or no evidence. The assumption is based on perspective, bias, mood in the moment, what we choose to focus on, and what we think we know. Assumptions almost always create problems because they are often wrong. Assuming motive or someone’s reason is taken as truth until it blows up and destroys a relationship. Assumptions are based on another person’s version of reality and the narrative they are telling themselves. 

Mocking or making fun.

Like sarcasm, mocking someone with an over-the-top impersonation of how you see them is poor communication and abusive. This happens when one person is trying to communicate how they feel about an issue or confront a hurtful behavior and the other person starts mocking or making fun of them. The person being mocked often feels belittled, unheard, and cut down. 

The mocker is attempting to shut down the conversation he doesn’t want to have by hurting the other person or driving them away. This form of communication is often cruel and is emotional/verbal/mental abuse. 

Shame.

Shame is that nagging feeling and negative self-talk that tells a person they are not good enough. Name-calling creates a sense of shame and dysfunctional families use this weapon to cut down a person. Hearing things like “you are lazy” or “you are selfish” or “you are no good” plants the seed of shame in the mind and heart. Once that seed is planted, it tends to grow like a weed and morph into negative self-talk that sounds like “I am lazy/selfish/no good.” Left unchecked, shame will slowly destroy a person from the inside out. 

It’s not always words that create a sense of “not being good enough” within a person. Body language and facial expressions can convey the same message and have the same impact. When a parent gives a child a look of disgust or disappointment, the non-verbal message is that they are “bad”, and the seed of shame is planted.

Lastly, when a parent regularly asks a child with a tone of disgust, “what’s wrong with you?”, you can be sure that the seed of shame is growing. Shame’s purpose is to convince us that something is wrong with us and everyone else has it all together – it’s just us that is a screw up. 

Words unsaid.

Dysfunctional families speak volumes on what they don’t say, as well. It’s common for encouragement to be missing in the day-to-day conversations. Praise for a job well done or good behavior doesn’t get said either. Expressions of love are often missing with people rarely hearing the words “I love you”. And when mistakes are made, grace isn’t poured out. 

What now?

If you are communicating to your family using any of these toxic patterns, it’s time to change the pattern and acknowledge your wrongdoing. And if you are being spoken to using any of these dysfunctional communication skills, it’s time to set boundaries. None of these are healthy. All of them dishonor God and do not reflect Jesus.

If your family communicated this way, you don’t have to carry on the family dysfunction. Patterns of poor communication done on a consistent basis wound people. And there is no excuse for abuse. 

Please set boundaries and limit contact if you feel that’s necessary. Prioritize your mental and emotional health and start the process of healing from these toxic patterns. Decide now that you will not continue to normalize this type of behavior. 

A therapist or coach can also help you sort out the dysfunction of your family and the impact it’s having on you today. I wrote Unravel for this reason and I offer 1:1 coaching to help people break free from the dysfunction and live happier and healthier lives. 

No family is perfect. A critical component to our emotional health, personal growth, and spiritual maturity is identifying the unhealthy habits of our families of origin. To grow past dysfunctional family patterns, we must take an honest assessment of our childhood years and even our present-day family dynamics. This assessment is the difference between being stuck in dysfunctional patterns and breaking free to develop healthy patterns. 

When we don’t identify the toxic behaviors our family calls normal, we are doomed to repeat those same behaviors at the expense of those we love. Furthermore, the anxiety, depression, guilt, shame, and anger we live with daily continues to feed on the ongoing dysfunction. 

Change starts with honesty and growth is the key to freedom. 

Dysfunctional Family Traits

Were any of these behaviors considered normal in your family? 

Forgiving and/or forgetting without changed behavior.

Forgiving and forgetting without changed behavior is what toxic behavioral patterns are made from. These patterns and the destruction that they cause will continue until someone says no more. As Christians we are commanded to forgive those who hurt us. God requires this of us not to make our lives hard, but to make our lives better. 

Forgiveness sets us free. It doesn’t let the other person off the hook. Galatians 6:7 says, Don’t be misled: No one makes a fool of God. What a person plants, he will harvest. The person who plants selfishness, ignoring the needs of others—ignoring God!—harvests a crop of weeds. All he’ll have to show for his life is weeds!

And while it would be great if we could just forget the painful things that have happened to us, memory serves a purpose. We remember so that we learn the lessons that will help us to grow spiritually and personally. Memory is what keeps us from falling into the same pits repeatedly.

What is typical of dysfunctional families is the expectation of forgiving and forgetting without any acknowledgement or commitment to changing hurtful patterns of behavior. Without this acknowledgement and a plan of action to change, the apology is meaningless, and trust continues to erode. Put bluntly, an apology without changed behavior is nothing more than manipulation. Consistent, changed behavior is what rebuilds trust and connection. Without it, the relationship is toxic and destructive. 

Moving on like nothing happened.

When a painful or traumatic event has happened, dysfunctional families tend to act like nothing happened. The night before may have consisted of screaming, name calling, or physical abuse, but the unspoken expectation is that everyone gets up the next morning and acts like nothing happened. Kids get ready for school. Mom and dad get ready for work. Breakfast is eaten. And everyone ignores the elephant in the room from the night before. Over the course of hours, days, or weeks, the dysfunctional “normal” is restored until the next incident. 

Moving on like nothing happened is emotional neglect and crazy-making at its finest. It leaves the wounded parties wondering what just happened and questioning what they experienced and themselves. And because no one talks about it, it gets stuffed where it creates mental, emotional, and physical havoc. Anxiety, depression, people-pleasing, conflict avoidance, perfectionism, codependency, repressed anger, etc. all have roots in this type of dysfunction.   

Refusing to talk about what happened.

Many dysfunctional families avoid talking about painful events to circumvent accountability or admit the need for help. Pride and selfishness are at the heart of this refusal. Stonewalling those who are trying to have a conversation about what happened and how it hurt/affected them ensures the dysfunction will continue. Importantly, those that stonewall, are attempting to avoid potential conflict and acknowledge their part in the conflict. 

Handling conflict by stonewalling is emotional immaturity and it keeps people trapped in abusive or dysfunctional cycles. More importantly, nothing good is gained by refusing to talk about what happened and when this is modeled to children, it becomes their “normal.” As they move into adulthood, this habit hurts them and those around them as they handle conflict like their family did when they were young. 

Invalidating emotions and experiences of others.

Invalidating someone’s emotions or their experience is when one person attempts to dismiss or minimize another person’s emotions. Telling someone “it wasn’t that bad” or “quit your crying” or “I don’t know what you are so upset about” or “that wasn’t a big deal” – these are examples of telling someone that their emotions are somehow wrong. It’s gaslighting. 

Dysfunctional families use this tactic to avoid accountability and squash a conversation that they don’t want to have. After a while, self-doubt sets in causing the hurt person to question everything they think and feel because they are often told they are wrong. These people become numb emotionally, anxious over-thinkers, or validation seekers because they’ve been groomed to not trust themselves. 

Covering up problems for one another.

Within every dysfunctional family, is an enabler – someone who makes excuses for another person’s poor behavior and will typically over-function in that person’s life to keep the peace or hold the family together. The enabler has good intentions and often thinks they are helping the addict, abuser, or person causing the chaos, but what they are really doing is ensuring the dysfunction continues to the detriment of the family. 

Enablers are often people-pleasers and conflict avoiders who struggle with understanding personal and other responsibility. As a result, they spend copious amounts of energy trying to help others in the hope that the chaos and dysfunction will stop. The problem with covering up problems is that all this does is “kick the same old can down the curb” over and over again in life. Destructive patterns keep going and nothing changes when the enabling continues. 

Denying that problems exist.

Most destructive families struggle with admitting there are problems. If you’ve watched the movie Fight Clubwith Brad Pitt, you know the first rule of Fight Club is don’t talk about Fight Club. This is the same mantra for dysfunctional families. The person or persons who are creating the chaos deny the chaos exists and expect you to act like the chaos doesn’t exist. Not bringing it up is the unspoken expectation. 

For those around them, this is often maddening because a problem undefined is a problem unsolved. Acting like a problem isn’t there is denying the reality of those living in that problem every day. This breeds resentment and is a habit that gets passed down from generation to generation until someone says enough and speaks the uncomfortable truth. 

Keeping secrets that should be shared.

Dysfunctional families often have a treasure trove of secrets. Secrets like denying problems exist, enabling bad behavior, refusing to talk about incidents, and moving on like nothing happened.What happens at home, stays at home is the unspoken rule. The person or persons creating the chaos in families often act one way in public and another way in private. The people around them are expected to keep this secret from extended family, friends, or coworkers. 

Abuse, addiction, untreated mental health problems, infidelity, etc. are secrets to not be shared. The image of the family is to be maintained. The chaos creators are often very concerned with how people outside the family see them. The saying – you are only as sick as your secrets holds true. Consequently, keeping secrets bottled up is at the heart of addiction, anxiety, depression, and other disorders – not to mention what keeps generational dysfunction moving from one generation to the next. 

Faking fine.

Faking fine is a faulty coping mechanism used by those who tend to stuff their emotions and feelings and have had their thoughts or feelings dismissed or marginalized. At the heart of faking fine is fear. Fear of feeling feelings, being judged, being seen as “less than”, as well as, fear of conflict, “rocking the boat”, or emotional discomfort. 

Dysfunctional families tend to “fake fine” to avoid anger or conflict. People-pleasers and codependents often fake fine for these reasons as a means of trying to shield themselves (and their children if applicable) from emotional pain or further wounding. 

Repressing emotions.

Because dysfunctional families don’t talk about the elephant in the room, family members are often left with no other choice but to stuff their emotions. The problem with emotions is that they don’t just go away on their own. They pile up in the corner like rotting trash stinking up the entire room waiting to be taken out. In this case, the room is our mind and heart. Stuffed emotions eventually come out through physical sickness, mental health problems, and/or through anger taken out on undeserving people. Sarcasm and passive-aggressive behaviors are examples of stuffed emotions gone rogue. 

Being around unsafe people.

While not an exhaustive list, unsafe people are those who:

• won’t take responsibility for their actions/words
• chronically break promises
• use shared thoughts and feelings against others
• expect others to tip-toe around their issues
• are emotionally unstable
• use fear or guilt to control or manipulate
• are untrustworthy or unreliable
• demand trust/respect from others without earning it
• chronically violate boundaries
• don’t want to work on their issues

Dysfunctional families consist of unsafe people and when unsafe people are the “norm” – those who have grown up in a dysfunctional family or been marinated in one for years will subconsciously seek out unsafe people to do life with because that is their normal. Worse yet, is when people never figure out that they are unsafe, and they wound others. Healing the parts of ourselves that are drawn to unsafe people changes our lives and brings safe people into our world. 

Aggression to get what you want.

An element of control is at the heart of dysfunctional families. Aggression in the form of anger, shame, or guilt is used to get what is wanted. And “what is wanted” varies.

Some examples are:

• total obedience
• not being questioned
• ignoring harmful patterns of behavior
• avoiding physical/mental health issues
• frequent reassurance of love or allegiance
• unrealistic amounts of time
• frequent validation 

Using guilt or shame to get what a person wants often comes in the form of statements like “after all I’ve done for you”, “if you loved me, you’d…”, “good sons/daughters call their mothers”, etc. Statements that create a sense of obligation are used to control the actions of another person. And when family members comply when these statements are used, the dysfunction continues, resentment builds, and love erodes. Boundaries are what stops this destructive pattern, alleviates resentment, and allows love to begin growing again (if possible). 

What now to break free from the dysfunctional family traits?

Finding your way out of these destructive patterns may be difficult and you may encounter resistance from your family. Not everyone wants to grow, and some people are content in their dysfunction convinced it’s working for them. Once you’ve identified patterns that are hurting you and that you don’t want to continue, you need to start making different choices and setting boundaries. 

Those might look like this:

• Confronting conflict rather than ignoring or avoiding it 
• Talking with a trusted friend, life coach, or therapist instead of stuffing emotions
• Making the difficult decision on how much access unhealthy people get to you
• Limiting topics of discussion to preserve your emotional health 
• Walking away from manipulation
• Confronting bad behavior rather than enabling it
• Breaking the habit of taking responsibility for other people’s emotions
• Learning to be okay with people being unhappy with your decisions
• Not engaging in drama or conflict that isn’t your business
• Using your voice and standing up for yourself
• Not managing other people’s emotions through people-pleasing
• Recognizing that the only control you have is over yourself

If you are ready to confront the pain of your past and the dysfunction of your family, Unravel can help. 

This was a big year for my little book, and I couldn’t be more in awe of what God did in the lives of those who went through Unravel. 

As most people do at the end of every year, I’ve been reflecting on everything that God has done in and around me and counting my blessings, giving painful thanks for the hard stuff that helped me grow, and looking for God’s fingerprints on all 365 days of 2022. 

Forty-five women completed Unravel via a group this year! Hundreds bought the book and started their own Unravel journey. Friends, co-workers, and family members found out about Unravel from someone who experienced a profound life change from their unraveling. 

Lives were forever changed this year. 
Hearts were healed the year. 
Friendships were formed this year.
Burdens were left at the foot of the cross this year. 
Generational trauma was broken this year. 
Confidence was gained this year.
Boundaries were set this year.
Lies were trampled this year.
Truth was implanted this year. 
Relationships were restored this year.
Love, joy, and peace were found this year. 
Faulty ways of coping were replaced this year. 
New life-tools were learned this year. 
Laughter displaced tears this year. 
Suffering transformed into painful thanks this year. 
Purpose was pursued this year. 
Forgiveness was given and received this year.
God moved in the lives of His Chosen this year. 

One woman wrote this: 

I stumbled upon this book during a low time in my life about 5 months ago. During my time participating in the study and completing assigned homework I have noticed a huge shift in myself. 5 months ago, I was broken, insecure, and lost in my life and had no clue where my relationship with Christ stood. Presently, I am self-aware and have a positive outlook on my present and future. I owe my growth to this book and Melissa for taking the time to pour into me weekly during study group. I will forever be thankful and spread the word to purchase this book and participate in study group! ❤️

Unravel Participant

As I look back over 2022, I am so grateful for the women I’ve gotten to work with this year and for the beautiful friendships that God has blessed me with through those groups. Besides Texas, ladies from California, Florida, New York, and New Jersey participated in the first online Unravel group – who doesn’t like meeting people from other parts of the U.S.? 

This year has also brought additional blessings…

• Support and encouragement from Life Point Church and Alamo Community Church in San Antonio, Texas to launch Unravel groups. 
• Videography services to market Unravel from the talented, kind, and generous Mark Benavidez of Launchpad B Video Production Solutions.
• Space for my Tuesday Unravel group was graciously given to me by George Ramirez from Immersion Outfitters.  
• Over 4,000 followers on Facebook and IG – and growing! 

As I look ahead to 2023…

• I look forward to the launch of in-person and online Unravel groups in January.
• The reach of Unravel will be expanding into new places and corners of this world in the coming year. I look forward to sharing all about that in the coming months! God is moving!! 
• For those in the San Antonio, Texas area, there will be bi-monthly Saturday Unravel sessions at Alamo Community Church to learn, grow, and connect with fellow Unravel Alumni. 

If you are ready to Unravel your unhealed wounds and find joy, in-person and online Unravel groups start the week of January 16th. Invite a friend, a co-worker, or a family member to join a group!  Click the link to sign up –> Unravel Group Sign Up

The groups are free. All I ask is that you do the work and come to group regularly. 

If you or someone you know wants to begin working one-on-one with me,  I have openings for in-person and online 1:1 coaching.

It may not be your fault that you are stuck in life, but it is 100% your responsibility to get un-stuck.

Don’t let another day, week, or year go by surviving or simply existing. You were made for so much more and yes, you can change.

You can change your mindset, your life, and your circumstances for the better. The 45 women who went through Unravel in 2022 can testify that you can heal, thrive, and find your joy again.

Lastly, as I dream for 2023… 

I pray for men’s and women’s Unravel groups to pop up in churches, prisons, living rooms, and coffee shops all over the world and that lives would be profoundly changed for generations to come. Dream big, right? 

Here’s the thing about Unravel groups…

• You don’t need to be a coach or a counselor to lead an Unravel group… 
• Your life doesn’t need to be perfect… 
• You don’t have to have it all together all the time or have the answers to life’s problems… 
• You just need to be able to love, encourage, and listen to others… that’s it…

If you want to start a group or you’d like for your church or organization to start an Unravel group, contact me at melissa@melissalloyd.org or go to Start an Unravel Program.

Giving Thanks…

As I close, I want to say “thank you” to Kevin Flowers, Lead Pastor of Alamo Community Church and his incredible staff. Thank you for taking a chance on an unknown book and allowing me to serve the people of your church. If I’ve learned anything this year, it’s that no one has to do anything – so your willingness to open your door, respond to my messages, provide resources, and trust me with your flock is a gift. Your friendship and support are a blessing, and I am forever grateful. 

I will end this message with a quote I love from Craig Groeschel: We confess to God for forgiveness, we confess to people for healing. So true, right? Confessing to God and others is at the heart of healing. We need both. James 5:16 says Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.

Join an Unravel group or buy Unravel and commit to working through the book with a couple of trusted friends to confess what’s on your heart and talk about what’s holding you back and stealing your joy.

I pray that 2023 is a year of personal growth, freedom from what weighs you down, and a deeper relationship with the Father who loves you so very much. 

It’s easy to take the actions of others personally, but doing so is based on half truths, unhealed wounds, unmet expectations, and what another person believes about themselves based on their own story. The way we treat others, love others, show up for others, and think about others is based on what is going on within ourselves. The same is true for others.

Is this selfish? Yes. But it is true. The people in our story that treated us poorly, did so because of a war within themselves – you and I were just collateral damage. This doesn’t get them off the hook, but it does reflect the truth that their poor behavior does not make us unworthy of the love or help they should have given to us.

So What Do We Do?

It’s time to give people back the pain they caused and reclaim the truth of our worthiness of love, kindness, and human connection. It is important to stop asking or expecting these same people to show up in our stories in ways that run contrary to their past actions. This doesn’t make them bad people – it’s simply understanding and accepting where someone is in their journey at any given moment.

Knowing who to ask for help, love, and healthy connection is learning how to interact in a fallen world. We need to live by this principle: When people show you who they are, believe them the first time – Maya Angelou. Often we allow ourselves to be disappointed by a situation or a person repeatedly until we finally accept what has been shown to us over and over again. Unfortunately, our refusal to see what is right in front of us leaves us with an emotional mess to clean up. Proverbs 13:20 says, Walk with the wise and become wise, for a companion of fools suffers harm.

Recognizing our part in our own suffering is the pathway to healing.

The Bible tells us A perverse person stirs up conflict, and a gossip separates close friends (Proverbs 16:28). The next time you are in need of someone to share your heart with, someone to give you God-honoring advice, or someone to meet a need in your life – carefully consider who you ask and their track record in your life.

Here are 10 questions to consider before you share your heart with someone:

• Has this person been a good listener in the past or do they listen to fix?
• Has this person kept your conversations confidential?
• Has this person been reliable and dependable in your life?
• Has this person pointed you towards Jesus and/or the Bible?
• Has this person encouraged you or have they minimized your feelings?
• Has this person displayed empathy in the past?
• Has this person modeled in their own life the advice they give to others?
• Has this person been honest with you?
• Has this person built you up or tore you down for the way you think or feel?
• Has this person broken your trust in the past?

One who has unreliable friends soon comes to ruin…(Proverbs 18:24). Surrounding ourselves and asking the right people for what we need is one of the keys to living in peace and finding joy in our lives. God will place people in our lives to act as helpers and, in turn, we are placed in people’s lives to be their helpers.

God’s Truth

It’s easy to allow our hearts to be saturated with the harsh words or hurtful actions of others causing us to question our value. Let me leave you with this nugget of truth: Your value doesn’t change just because someone fails to see it or respond to it. Your value was decided before the formation of the world and solidified on a cross long before you were ever born. You were worthy yesterday, you are worthy today, and you will be just as worthy tomorrow.

As adults, the damage caused by others is for us to work through – healing is 100% our responsibility. If you have hurts, habits, and hang-ups that need the healing hand of Jesus, join the growing group of men and women who are working through Unravel to work their pain, discover who they are, and live life abundantly. Unravel can be purchased on Amazon.

Have you ever felt like you should be doing something for God, but you didn’t know what it was? And the more you thought about it, the more you worried about doing what God wanted you to do, to the point that your overthinking led to feeling stuck. You want to serve God, but you aren’t sure what He wants you to do. You want to be obedient, but you fear making a mistake. You want to live a life of purpose and meaning, but you aren’t sure what that is.

More than anything, you desire a life of meaning, but you are afraid that you will somehow stumble onto the wrong path and end up lost. You want to hear from God, but you second-guess every thought that trots through your mind. If so, we can be friends because I’ve been in this place more than a few times. In fact, I’ve given this condition a name: purpose paralysis. 

Purpose paralysis is Satan’s handiwork.

Confusion is one of the weapons in his arsenal. When we get confused, we overthink, and then we tend to get stuck. And when we are stuck, we tend to do nothing – paralysis. Satan’s favorite Christian is a paralyzed one that doesn’t move because that Christian is ineffective.   

What I’ve come to realize is that this condition has a simple solution – and here it is: MOVE. The Israelites learned this lesson as they were leaving Egypt with Moses. With the Egyptians behind them and the Red Sea in front of them, the Israelites had to decide what they were going to do. God told Moses to high tail it to the Red Sea, raise his staff, and wait for Him to take care of the path ahead of them. Even with all that God had done to free them, the Israelites got stuck in their fear and overthinking. When Moses sees this, he prays to God. Do you remember what God said? He simply said, MOVE. 

Moving is our answer to finding our purpose too.

The purpose of every Christian is to tell people about Jesus and love our neighbor. If nothing else, acting on that purpose is always right. You and I have a more specific purpose that God has hidden away in our hearts, but until that purpose is revealed, you cannot go wrong with finding ways to love your neighbor and sharing the gospel. In fact, those two things may be your only purpose for the season you find yourself in right now. 

As we grow in our faith, our purpose can evolve or change completely and it’s our job to go with God’s flow. Recently, God reminded me that our lives are made up of many seasons (Ecclesiastes 3:1-8) and letting go of one season is the only way to usher in the next season and its assignment. This can be scary because old seasons are familiar and new seasons are unknown, but our surrender to Christ depends on our obedience to move when God says to move – even if we don’t know what we are moving into. 

So, how can we serve God in the seasons where our unique purpose isn’t clear, or we are transitioning from one season to the next? The bible tells us that we have a responsibility to care for the poor (Proverbs 21:13), the oppressed (Psalm 82:3-4), the fatherless (Psalm 82:3-4), the orphans (Psalm 82:3-4), widows (James 1:27), and our brothers and sisters in Christ (Galatians 6:10). That leaves a lot of room to serve! 

The size of the service is irrelevant to God, as is (Luke 16:10), the action being seen or acknowledged by another person (Matthew 6:3). Movement is what matters. 

20 Ideas to Live with Purpose and Serve People:

• Take a meal to someone going through a difficult time 
• Get together with 2 or 3 people and do a Bible study together 
• Organize a service project at your church or with other believers 
• Partner with an organization that provides for children
• Serve at a soup kitchen
• Smile at people, hold the door open, be friendly to strangers
• Include the new person at work, school, church, etc. in lunch or something else 
• Organize a Saturday women’s or men’s event centered around spiritual or personal growth 
• Volunteer at a senior center and chat with an elderly person that needs a conversation 
• Work with a homeless shelter to collect necessities 
• Start a blog and write about what’s on your heart to help others
• Get together with a group of men or women and do a book study 
• Be a social media encourager and share Jesus
• Volunteer for nursery duty, kids’ ministry, or the youth ministry at your church
• Hang out with a kid that doesn’t have a dad in his life 
• Bring groceries or gift cards to a family in need 
• Mow the lawn of an elderly neighbor
• If you are handy, volunteer to fix things around the house for a single mom 
• Take someone out for lunch and show genuine interest in their life
• Pray for people

Whatever

Matthew 25:40 reminds us, “And the King will answer them, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’ Whatever is broad and leaves us a lot of room to serve others. So, don’t overthink. You and I can’t mess this up. Be awake and aware throughout the day for opportunities to serve or love on people. 

If you have ideas of ways to serve and love on people, please share them! Leave a comment below, on Facebook, or Instagram. I’d love to hear from you!

P.S. Are you ready to deal with the pain of the past and grow into the disciple God created you to be? Check out my new book Unravel and get started today.

If you have read any of the New Testament, you’ve probably read a book or two written by a guy named Paul to the churches he planted throughout Macedonia. Paul was given the task of sharing the Good News with the Gentiles. As he traveled from town to town, he would preach the gospel, teach the people how God wanted them to live, establish a church there, and appoint people to care for that church. He was a modern-day missionary and church planter. 

Paul would spend as much time as needed in each town or region doing this work and then move on to the next town to do it all over again. The books in the New Testament that Paul is credited with writing are his letters back to those churches. Some of the letters are filled with praise for their efforts and growth, and other letters are filled with reminders of what the people were taught and the kick in the pants to do better.  

The Church Blueprint

The letter that Paul wrote to the Colossians gave them this instruction: “Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom, and as you sing psalms, hymns and spiritual songs with gratitude in your hearts to God.” Colossians 3:16. 

Paul wanted the church members to encourage one another, be transparent with one another, practice vulnerability, focus on gratitude, and worship God. Christians were to enjoy each other’s company, laugh together, and grow closer to Jesus. This was the template for the church and that template relies heavily on communication. 

Over the last few months, I’ve been connecting with church leaders to discuss how my book Unravel would benefit their congregations – or I’ve been trying anyway. My efforts to connect with pastors or leaders has given me a behind the scenes look at today’s church and quite frankly, I don’t like what I am seeing. Let’s look at three ways the world has crept into the church. 

Let’s start with basic communication. 

Email accounts that are front and center on church websites inviting people to reach out to them for answers to questions or other information go unanswered. Calls to the main church phone number go to voicemail and messages left don’t get returned. Email sent directly to pastors or staff members never gets a reply. Text messages sent are ignored. And worse, many church websites don’t even give people a way to email or call. 

Communicating with the church you attend or one you have chosen to contact should not be an impossible task. Is it any wonder that some people see churches as insincere? Or see them as a place that puts on a façade of caring? Church websites invite people to reach out if they have questions or problems and when they do, their questions or problems don’t get a response. Friends, this seems to be the norm and while you may not think this is a big deal, I beg to differ with you. 

The Church Matters

The American Association of Christian Counselors has discovered through mounds of research that people suffering with depression, anxiety, marital issues, or trauma would rather go to a local church for help and counsel than go to a psychiatrist, psychologist, or some other professional. 

When the church phone rings and no one picks it up, the person on the other end just got the wrong message about God and His people. When the email inquiries go unanswered, the reputation of the church and what it is supposed to represent gets damaged. Not getting back with people in a timely manner is basic human decency. As representatives of Jesus, returning calls or responding to emails should be a given. 

Whether someone is calling to see what time your services start on Sunday, or they are calling because their spouse just walked out on them and they need to talk, answering the phone or responding to email is the first basic step in being the church. 

Second on the list is pastoral care. 

Busy is the world’s status symbol that has slinked its way into today’s church. Pastors are too busy to meet with people who need some level of counsel or just wish to speak with their pastor. It is understandable that pastors must prepare sermons each week, but they are also called to shepherd their flocks. 

How would a person that walked in off the street be treated if they strolled through the doors of your church on a Tuesday? Would someone be there to greet them? If they asked for help, would the response be to make an appointment? Would this person be given the name of a counselor and sent on their way? Or would a staff member meet with this person and offer them help? 

Busy

Too many pastors are getting sucked into the world’s over-use of the word busy. What is comes down to is this: if a pastor is too busy to care for his flock, then he is disconnected from his flock and his flock is wandering and unprotected. Shepherds care for their flocks, watch out for them, feed them, protect them, and go after them when they get lost. If shepherds are too busy designing the next wool coat, their sheep go astray or get eaten by predators. Busy is the devil’s word and let’s be honest – when we say we are busy, that is code for: this is not a priority for me – whatever “this” is.

Putting on a production at weekend services is not being a pastor – it’s being the star of a show. And speaking of pastors being the stars of their own weekly productions, this is becoming more and more evident on social media. Too many pastors have social media accounts that portray the selfie mindset of look at me instead of look at Jesus.

My number three is quality groups that offer real connection. 

In the 1980’s the hamburger chain Wendy’s had a wildly popular TV commercial with a little old lady holding a competitor’s hamburger and asking, “where’s the beef?” She wasn’t impressed with the skimpy meat on her sandwich, and she had no problem letting the world know of her dissatisfaction. Like the little old lady, my questions to churches would be “where’s the bible study?” and “where’s the opportunity for real connection?” 

There is nothing wrong with offering groups related to hobbies or book studies, but if that is all your church offers, then something is fundamentally wrong. Reading, studying, learning, and knowing God’s Word is the foundation of our Christian walk and spiritual growth. People don’t grow without consistent study of the bible and not offering bible study on a regular basis is bypassing the purpose of the church. 

Related to bible study or in-depth spiritual growth study is the dummying down of content into set time frames because of the perceived attention spans of participants. The church has got to stop following the worlds time standards – meaning, it’s time to teach people that bible study and spiritual growth are on-going, never-ending activities. They don’t fit neatly into six-week, nine-week, twelve-week, or semester boxes. These activities are continuous and should be taught this way. 

If the church doesn’t start pushing back on busy and setting the example of right priorities, souls will be lost.

The Christian life isn’t about checking the church box every week. Paul gave us a blueprint for what defines the church: fellowship, encouragement, bible study, worship, teaching, laughing, sharing life, really knowing people, eating together – doing life together. 

My guess is that Paul would be appalled to receive reports from Timothy or Silas, his trusted proteges, on the inner workings of present-day houses of worship. And if Paul was still writing letters, he’d be putting ink to scroll and sending out some stern rebukes, bold reminders, and a whole lot of tough love. 

Friends, the church’s mission is sharing the gospel of Jesus Christ and bringing hope and healing to the lost and hurt. Healing –people in this world are desperate for healing but the church seems to have taken its eye off what really matters. Church services have turned into “experiences” and entertaining people has become the objective. Groups that only scratch the surface of life are the norm. And connection has been reduced to a once-a-week latte to talk about how busy we are. 

Is it any wonder…

….that depression and anxiety are on the rise or that loneliness is swallowing people whole? Worse yet – God’s children are not prepared for the battles they face every day because they are spiritually starving. We complain that the world is getting darker, and Satan’s grip is getting tighter, but the church is not providing the knowledge of how the enemy works and the tactical knowledge of spiritual warfare. 

Jesus defeated Satan when He died and rose from the grave. The war is over. Jesus won. But until Jesus comes back, mankind is in a spiritual battle. Satan knows he’s lost, but he is determined (meaning: single-minded, unwavering, resolute, untiring) to take as many people as possible with him to the depths of hell for eternity. Are we as Christians equally determined to take as many people as possible with us to heaven for eternity? 

The church as a whole and the people that make up the church can do better – we must do better. Lives depend on us doing better. The church represents Jesus Christ. Church: Pick up your phones. Respond to emails. Be available to help. Focus on bible study. Develop a culture of vulnerability and transparency. And commit yourselves to helping people heal from their pain, emotional wounds, and trauma. Read my post: Why Unravel Should Be In Every Church.

Until next time,

^^Please like and share this post – change happens when the passion of God’s people is ignited.

P.S. Are you ready to deal with the pain of the past and grow into the disciple God created you to be? Check out my new book Unravel and get started today.

P.S.S. The song Start Right Here by Casting Crowns fits in with our discussion.