It’s easy to take the actions of others personally, but doing so is based on half truths, unhealed wounds, unmet expectations, and what another person believes about themselves based on their own story. The way we treat others, love others, show up for others, and think about others is based on what is going on within ourselves. The same is true for others.

Is this selfish? Yes. But it is true. The people in our story that treated us poorly, did so because of a war within themselves – you and I were just collateral damage. This doesn’t get them off the hook, but it does reflect the truth that their poor behavior does not make us unworthy of the love or help they should have given to us.

So What Do We Do?

It’s time to give people back the pain they caused and reclaim the truth of our worthiness of love, kindness, and human connection. It is important to stop asking or expecting these same people to show up in our stories in ways that run contrary to their past actions. This doesn’t make them bad people – it’s simply understanding and accepting where someone is in their journey at any given moment.

Knowing who to ask for help, love, and healthy connection is learning how to interact in a fallen world. We need to live by this principle: When people show you who they are, believe them the first time – Maya Angelou. Often we allow ourselves to be disappointed by a situation or a person repeatedly until we finally accept what has been shown to us over and over again. Unfortunately, our refusal to see what is right in front of us leaves us with an emotional mess to clean up. Proverbs 13:20 says, Walk with the wise and become wise, for a companion of fools suffers harm.

Recognizing our part in our own suffering is the pathway to healing.

The Bible tells us A perverse person stirs up conflict, and a gossip separates close friends (Proverbs 16:28). The next time you are in need of someone to share your heart with, someone to give you God-honoring advice, or someone to meet a need in your life – carefully consider who you ask and their track record in your life.

Here are 10 questions to consider before you share your heart with someone:

  • Has this person been a good listener in the past or do they listen to fix?
  • Has this person kept your conversations confidential?
  • Has this person been reliable and dependable in your life?
  • Has this person pointed you towards Jesus and/or the Bible?
  • Has this person encouraged you or have they minimized your feelings?
  • Has this person displayed empathy in the past?
  • Has this person modeled in their own life the advice they give to others?
  • Has this person been honest with you?
  • Has this person built you up or tore you down for the way you think or feel?
  • Has this person broken your trust in the past?

One who has unreliable friends soon comes to ruin…(Proverbs 18:24). Surrounding ourselves and asking the right people for what we need is one of the keys to living in peace and finding joy in our lives. God will place people in our lives to act as helpers and, in turn, we are placed in people’s lives to be their helpers.

God’s Truth

It’s easy to allow our hearts to be saturated with the harsh words or hurtful actions of others causing us to question our value. Let me leave you with this nugget of truth: Your value doesn’t change just because someone fails to see it or respond to it. Your value was decided before the formation of the world and solidified on a cross long before you were ever born. You were worthy yesterday, you are worthy today, and you will be just as worthy tomorrow.

As adults, the damage caused by others is for us to work through – healing is 100% our responsibility. If you have hurts, habits, and hang-ups that need the healing hand of Jesus, join the growing group of men and women who are working through Unravel to work their pain, discover who they are, and live life abundantly. Unravel can be purchased on Amazon.