Emotionally safe people build trust in relationships. Safe people are committed to their own personal growth, dealing with their unhealed wounds, meeting their unmet needs, and partnering with Jesus to become more like Him with each passing day.
Safe people build trust. Unsafe people break trust.
At one point or another, we’ve all been an unsafe person, or we’ve developed some emotionally unsafe habits that need to be broken. Keep in mind that the only control we have is over ourselves. We must allow God to work in our lives and trust Him to work in the lives of others. Striving to be the best version of ourselves is life-long work.
No one can fix what they don’t know is broken. Are you an emotionally safe person?
Emotionally Safe People…
Offer empathy and validate emotions.
Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of others. It’s the ability to put yourself in someone else’s shoes and see a situation from their perspective. Empathy doesn’t require that we agree with how someone thinks or feels. It just means that we can understand their feelings because we have experienced the same or similar feelings at one time or another.
Validating emotions is the act of seeking to understand how another person feels without dismissing, judging, or trying to talk someone out of their emotional response. Neither require that both people agree with how someone thinks or feels, but healthy people can acknowledge someone’s perspective and feelings without feeling threatened by them.
Jesus empathizes with us – Hebrews 4:15 says Jesus understands every weakness of ours, because he was tempted in every way that we are. But he did not sin!
Safe People do not judge, pressure, or manipulate.
Emotionally safe people don’t judge others because they know they are just as flawed as the next person. Judging another person comes from a place of feeling inferior, insecure, and not good enough. We tend to judge people in the areas of our lives that we feel the most insecure about.
Pressuring or pushing people is the act of trying to get another person to do what you want. Those that pressure others tend to not accept when someone says “no” or sets a boundary. People that use pressure to get someone to do what they want are unsafe and often create anxiety, resentment, and disconnection.
Manipulation is another tactic used by emotionally unsafe people to get what they want. Often this is done through instilling fear, outbursts of anger, invoking pity, playing on someone’s weaknesses, using appropriate or inappropriate guilt to coerce, or using things shared as a weapon when it’s convenient.
See that no one leads you astray. – Matthew 24:4
Ask questions to further understanding.
Safe people ask questions rather than make assumptions because they know that assumptions are falsehoods— wrong ideas. Assumptions are the lowest level of communication and are often the devil’s playground because they tend to cause hurt and conflict. Asking questions and seeking clarity ensures that we are communicating at the highest level. Safe people make decisions based on the facts they have in the moment and are not afraid to ask questions.
Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another. – Ephesians 4:25
Safe people speak the truth in love.
Mature people tell the truth with love. This isn’t the same as sugar-coating something or beating around the bush. It’s the ability to express feelings, needs, hurts, or frustrations in a way that doesn’t crush another person.
Safe people are honest with themselves and others and consider their words carefully. They confront issues with a mindset of resolving or repairing. It’s not about being “nice” – nice often spares the truth (dishonest). It’s about being kind – kindness is considerate and polite, but honest. Healthy individuals are assertive and kind in their communication.
…speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ. – Ephesians 4:15
Have difficult conversations without name-calling, insulting, or dismissing.
Conflict is part of every relationship. Safe people do not attack another person’s character, name-call, throw insults, or dismiss someone’s concerns or feelings. 1 Corinthians 13:11 says When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. Calling someone names or insulting them is childlike immaturity.
Unsafe people view hard conversations as adversarial, but safe people understand that hard conversations lead to deeper connections and welcome the chance to grow.
Safe People take responsibility for their own emotions/problems.
Emotionally safe people know their healing is their responsibility and don’t expect others to tip-toe around their unhealed wounds or the things that trigger them. Part of our personal and spiritual growth is accepting that life isn’t fair, and the wounds inflicted on us are ours to work through.
Safe people don’t put their emotions or problems in the hands of others. Additionally, they don’t expect a spouse, child, parent, or friend to heal a wound they did or didn’t create. Emotionally safe individuals take personal responsibility for their emotions and their problems. They know that someone cannot make them feel any certain way without their permission and that their problems are their own to solve. They don’t blame a difficult childhood on their present-day anger issues.
For each one will bear his own load. – Galatians 6:5
Do not try to “fix” people or give help that isn’t asked for.
Part of being an emotionally healthy adult is knowing that fixing people is above our paygrade. People in partnership with God work on themselves – this is part of personal responsibility. Unsafe people push others away by trying to force their “fix” on people without recognizing their own shortcomings.
Safe people don’t push advice or help on those that don’t ask for it, and they expect the same of others. Asking for help and seeking wise counsel are the actions of emotionally intelligent and healthy individuals. Safe people know that listening with empathy and providing emotional validation is the proper response to a friend. And then, if invited, give advice, or provide help.
And why worry about a speck in your friend’s eye when you have a log in your own? How can you think of saying to your friend, ‘Let me help you get rid of that speck in your eye,’ when you can’t see past the log in your own eye? Hypocrite! First get rid of the log in your own eye; then you will see well enough to deal with the speck in your friend’s eye. — Matthew 7:3-5
Are not overly needy or clingy.
Needy or clingy people latch on to others without regard for personal space, autonomy, or boundaries. Those who struggle with separating themselves from others and being their own person are unsafe. No one can be someone’s everything – and healthy people don’t want that job.
Safe people know that personal autonomy (self-sufficiency) and boundaries are what makes relationships work. In addition, there is a mutual respect for what each person brings to the relationship, and no one is expected to be the other persons sole source of friendship or human connection. Safe people know that personal space and alone time is necessary for everyone.
Do you like honey? Don’t eat too much of it, or it will make you sick! Don’t visit your neighbor too often, or you will outwear your welcome! – Proverbs 25:16-17
Respect boundaries.
Boundaries are the decided upon actions that we take when faced with other people’s behavior. When someone speaks harshly to us and calls us names, boundaries are what we fall back on to walk away and preserve our emotional health. Unsafe people tend to disrespect boundaries by acting in ways that are unacceptable or harmful even though we’ve addressed the behavior and consequences ahead of time.
Safe people set boundaries and when necessary, enact consequences. And because they have boundaries, they expect others to have boundaries. Regardless of whether a boundary is liked or disliked, safe people respect the boundaries of others and in turn, expect the same respect from others regarding their own boundaries.
God set boundaries in the Garden of Eden when He told Adam to not eat from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil. Violating God’s boundary was spiritual death.
God commanded the Man, “You can eat from any tree in the garden, except from the Tree-of-Knowledge-of-Good-and-Evil. Don’t eat from it. The moment you eat from that tree, you’re dead. – Genesis 2:17-18
Demonstrate God’s love.
Forgiving others, giving grace, displaying empathy, listening instead of fixing, and speaking words of encouragement are just a few ways that safe people demonstrate God’s love. Safe people know they are saved by grace, and they need a Savior. There is no need to wear a mask to be loveable because God loves them right now, as-is. And because He does, they strive to reflect that love to others.
Safe people know when they’ve got some personal work to do.
Don’t waste time condemning yourself. Get busy doing better. We are all a work-in-progress until the day God calls us home. If after reading this post, you’ve identified some unsafe people in your life, consider what boundaries you need to set and pray about conversations that need to happen.
1:1 Coaching is available if you need help and encouragement.
